Imagine a world… where people are all the same… and all those people… are really really flakey. That’s the life I live. Everyone either isn’t there, or they cancel on us. But that’s all good, we’ll get ’em next time around. As far as wild things that happened? Lemme crunch the numbers.
Well, for starters, I have become a master magician. We were eating wings, WITH the bones, so real wings, and I was wearing a big coat. So as we’re eating these wings, I accidentally dropped one right down my coat sleeve. So of course, as I shake my sleeve, the wing falls and I catch it as it slips out. I look up, and see Elder Janke, DUMBFOUNDED by what just happened. As I lock eye contact with him I simply say, “For my next trick…” and we Blockbusted out laughing. He later explained to me that it seemed like I just pulled a wing bone out of thin air, and then went with it.
Yeah, sadly this week didn’t have many exciting stories. In other sad news, the 3 other Elders living with us are moving out, and going to live somewhere else. We’ll still get to see them, but we won’t have as much jungle law there as usual.
Something fun for me was going to this Australian German member’s house, where we had some killer food.
This is probably the most dull weekly email I’ve sent, but that’s also because I’m tired from jumping on trampolines, sorry chaps. I will be going to dinner where they only speak Spanish though, so that should be a good time!
Well, I’ve set the bar low, so get pumped for next week!
Over and Out
SHOUTOUTS:
Me. Because I had to type out this email on my phone, so it took me a fat while, and also probably the reason I didn’t include more stories.
The Classic Leg Stroke
Buckle up lads and lasses, this week has SUCKED. Nah I’m just kidding, although I don’t think too many ZONKY things happened.
As far as missionary work goes, we’ve been visiting members and knocking doors. And that’s about all we’ve been doing. The members here are really cool and they actually like us. Some people hate us as soon as they see us. But let’s run the list and see what went down.
Well we went up to this place called Lake Thunderbird last Monday with everyone from the zone, so that was fun. We played spikeball and mafia and all those games. It was a pretty good time. We took some pics and relit my love of panoramas, as you will see below.
Anywham, this is a story that just got me all upside down confused. So on Tuesday we were swinging by 7/11, getting some slushies like ya do, and then outta nowhere Elder Weese is just like, “Get back to the car.” And I’m like, “Uhhhhhh, what?” “Just get back to the car.” And he kinda starts walking into me and I end up going with it. So we leave the store, and get back in the car. I’m still confused as to what is happening, but he’s like, “The lady in there trying to get a Slushie literally yelled at us when we knocked her door 5 weeks ago.”
So side note: Elder Weese has a RIDICULOUSLY good memory. Like he’ll say a name, and I’m like, “Who is that?” And he’s just like, “Don’t you remember? They were the person we called last week and they rescheduled dinner from the 8th to the 13th at 5:30.” And I didn’t even remember that those people called, let alone what their name is. So he has a really good memory, and I really don’t. So that’s how he remembered that lady that yelled at him and his past companion. So we just ended up sitting in there for like 5 minutes, hiding in our car like we were scoping this place out. Then we went back in and all was well; the beast had left the den.
Later in the day after the 7/11 scenario, we drove to this place called Duncan. Yes, like the donuts. But we get up there and as all 5 of us are getting out of our car, we see this little playground for the apartment complex, and we see the mother of all rotary entertainment. A merry-go-round. I thought such contraptions were but a fleeting memory because I haven’t seen one since I was a young chap. But of course I make like Nile Rodgers and FREAK OUT. As does my homeboy, Elder Janke. So we just hoo hoo our way over to the cyclone, and we start having fun. Hot WHEELS man! Those things are SO fun! I miss seeing them more. If I ever go to Duncan as my area, I will literally be playing on that merry-go-round as my morning workout every single day. Good times.
Now, one of the days, we got to go to Buffalo Wild Wings with all 5 of us. If you’ve never been there, it’s a place that serves wings, and I personally really like it. But since nobody else in our apartment actually enjoys REAL wings, we went on a Thursday, where you can get a deal on BONELESS wings. Which is shtewpid, because boneless wings are just gourmet chicken nuggets with sauce. But due to Roman law, we end up going on Thursday. And since I am such a thrifty person, I also get the unmanly nuggets, solely for the deal of buy one get one free. But when you get wings or fake wings, you get to choose a sauce to put on them. The hottest is made with ghost peppers, I’m pretty sure. Either way, it’s WAY spicy. And as we know from previous emails, I love to live in constant pain. So I order a little side of the hottest sauce.
Our meal progresses, and I’m dipping just a little bit of the meat bricks into the sauce, and casually sipping my water. Then Elder Janke is like, “You gotta douse that thing in the sauce, what are you doing?” So I take a DOMINANCE CHECK, and like Shaquille O’Neal, I dunk the hunk of flavored bird into the sauce. [Side note, I just fell out of my chair while writing that last sentence] I mix it all together like I know that it’s the best of both worlds, and take the liquid fire and pop the whole thing in my mouth. I eat it and it was spicy, but then Elder Janke wanted to know for himself exactly how hot it was. So he takes one of his wings and slathers it like I did. He tosses that hot boy in his mouth and starts chewing. After swallowing it, he does what all BASIC white people do when they eat hot stuff. He starts breathing through his mouth as he begins the Gallon Challenge with all the water glasses around him.
In between his gulps and breathing, he looks at me and like a perfectly timed movie, a single tear rolls out of his eye. Oh man, it was like the stars aligned for me right there and it just killed me. Silly white people, thinking they can handle hot food.
More fun times when we tracted in the pouring rain, and got to use pity to talk to people. Still literally nobody let us in or wanted to talk to us, but Elder Weese and I were laughing through the whole thing. Having the right attitude is a real thing, kids. After doing that for 2 hours, we were running late for dinner, so we got picked up and had to just go right there. So we end up walking into the house literally soaking wet. My shoes made a nice squishing sound as my soggy socks kept my feet nice and cozy.
On Sunday we went to dinner at a different member’s house and we were saying a prayer over the food. I’m sitting across from the mom, with Elder Weese at my 3 o’clock. The prayer begins and my eyes are closed, head down with arms folded like a good Christian boy, when suddenly there’s a light rubbing sensation going up and down my right leg. Now deducing like Sherlock, there are only 2 options as to who the Heckleberry Finn is STROKING MY LEG DURING A PRAYER, and that is (1) my homeboy Elder Weese, or (2) the MOTHER OF THIS FAMILY. Now, my horrified eyes swing open like the gates of hell, looking for whoever is playing footsie with me while one of the sons is saying the prayer, and I look in terror across the table. The mom is just folding her arms and looking down, so she checks out, THANK GLORY that it wasn’t her doing this act of heresy. But that leaves Elder Weese. I have no idea why he would be playing FOOTSIE with me during a communication with GOD, but I was genuinely rattled about the whole thing.
By the time I was peering over at Elder Weese, my leg was no longer being caressed, and Elder Weese was also praying like a good noodle. So luckily, the prayer ends seconds after my investigation, and I decide to close “The Case of the Appendage Assault” once and for all. So I lift the tablecloth to catch my culprit like a fat kid eating Hot Cheetos: RED HANDED. And I see them. Or it. Because it was just their dog that I didn’t know they had. But let me tell you: When you’re sitting at a dinner table and you think that someone’s mom is playing footsie with you, you achieve the purest response of “Fight or Flight” you ever will. If I had to choose a point in time that I felt true terror, that would be it.
On another note, there were these two dogs walking around the parking lot of our apartment when we got home and of course I’m like, “Hello dogs, how would you like to be petted?” And they just start going wild at me like trees: BARKING. Then one goes to bite me and I’m like, “OKAY, guess we’re walking away now.” And we just strolled outta there.
Wow, hopefully that was a bit more entertaining than last week, and I hope you guys have a wonderful day. Stay frosty.
SHOUTOUTS:
My Dad: Even my own FATHER decided to ask for a shoutout on my email. He’s my favorite dad, and a whole bunch of awesome. He loves to play board games, even when I stomp him half the time. He’s really good with computers and a funny guy. He’s way cool and I’m glad he forged me into the legend I have become.
Elder Janke: He probably gets more mention in my emails than my own companion, but that’s because he and I are just so similar. Chances are after someone says something, we’re both already on the same page for what our response is going to be.
Elder Weese: “Yeah shoutout me, do it” was his response when the question was posed. He’s a bunch of fun and astoundingly good at basketball. He just takes the rest of us missionaries playing and proceeds to MOP THE FLOOR with us. The janitor hasn’t had to clean the gym since he got here. It’s a great time serving with him.
The Drought
I’m a broken man. It’s like 3 and a half months in and Elder Schroeder is gone.
At least the pronunciation of my name is. Elder Janke has been calling me names like Shredder, Schrodinger, Schneider, just about anything that starts with a SH and ends with an ER. Then members try to pronounce my name and literally every time without fail they pronounce “Schroeder” like it’s spelled, and I have just given up trying to tell them it’s “Schrayder.”
But yeah, update on the new missionary they picked up last week: His name is Elder Lara, he’s from Mexico and lived in TX for a bit. He also insults my family name like Elder Janke.
Elder Weese and I were gonna be talking to members quite a lot this past week, except my immune system decided to go on strike and I got sick. Getting sick sucked man. I had these crazy dreams that I was a prophet from the Bible and had to make stuff outta yarn. Second worst night of my life. And the best part is we have no food here, so I’m sick and all I have to eat are eggs without salt and pepper, and toasted bread. But we’re on the uphill climb to getting better. Shout out to my mom for taking care of me when I got sick.
WOW this week like NOTHING story-worthy happened. But I’ll look through my book of life anyway.
Wow this is the saddest thing, I don’t have any good stories. It doesn’t help that I was sick for a few days, either. But I know the crowds in the arena are hungry for excitement, so I’ll just tell an old story from my life. One even my CLOSEST friends don’t know. I’m kidding, it was one of my best friends that got me to do it, and it’s how I ended up even becoming friends with him in the first place. My good friend, and one serving a mission in Brazil: Kyer.
So this all starts in a chemistry class. There are only 5 minutes left in class, and we had already finished our worksheets, so we’re just hanging around the counters and sinks, waiting to leave. My friend had a gatorade bottle that they were gonna go throw away, and they ended up just scapegoating me, and told me to throw it away for them. But I am an efficient machine of a man, so I decide I’m gonna make like Goofy and just hyuck this thing across the classroom into the garbage can next to the window. That’s when a mysterious figure appears from behind me, seeing me getting ready to underhand it like a wussy boy. So he doesn’t even introduce himself, he just says, “No no no, you gotta fill it with water a bit, give it some weight.” I recognized this wisdom, and I was like, “Yeah you right.” So I put some water in there. I screw the cap back on and prep the underhand toss again, swinging it back and forth as I calculate the precise weight of this bottle. Then the mysterious man shares another secret of knowledge. “What is this underhand nonsense? You gotta TOMAHAWK it.” Well dang, mama didn’t raise a coward. So I bring the bottle up. At this point, other people are seeing this event taking place, and I just wind it back and YEET.
The literal MOMENT I say “YEET” the classroom falls dead silent and all eyes follow the bottle sail through the air. CRRRRERNSHSCCHH The bottle just flies dead into the metal blinds on the window next to the trash can. “ZAQUE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???” The chem teacher just called me out like that, and I bumble out of my mouth: “I was just, ya know, throwing away the uhh, bottle.” She ended up just shaking her head at me, and the mystery man and I start to bust out laughing at the whole event. That mystery man was of course, Kyer. He is still a great friend of mine, and that’s the starting moment that we actually became pals.
I’m sorry that this week there was like, literally nothing that would make a good story from my mission, but hopefully we can actually get something this upcoming one. Well, thanks for reading this, everyone that did, have a good week and remember the Alamo.
SHOUTOUTS:
Elder Janke – Nobody else is here, so he was the only person I could even ask. He’s sick in both aspects of the word, and he was the one that kept me company in the apartment when we were both sick, while all the healthy boys went out together. Good man
Over and Out
Ooh, this week we have a raffle winner!
The Boiled Vinegar is Back
Huh, where the heck do I begin. Probably the beginning. So last time I left you guys were at the edge of your seats, eager to hear more about the maelstrom of chaos I live in. Well, we played 4 square for a while, and hung out with the other missionaries there until the end of our last P-day, and then I literally don’t remember what we did the rest of the day.
Real quick, I’ll talk about the boring stuff before we get to the other boring stuff: The area I’m in now, Norman, has like NOBODY that the missionaries are teaching. We basically have resorted to solely trying to get members of the church to give us referrals to their friends that might be interested. We tried tracting and knocking on doors, but Elder Weese, who has been here for 3 months, is like, “They either just say they’re not interested, or they pretend to be, and flake out of every meeting with them ever.” And his wisdom has shown this fact to be true.
So we are going to be implementing absurd ways to try and get members to tell us who we can visit by using wack methods, trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. Some ideas include: Making bets with them. Begging on our knees. Holding them hostage. Bringing cookies. Basically, we’re going to try EVERY idea that we have, that won’t make the members hate us, until we figure out what works and what doesn’t. We really haven’t gotten into it, because contacting every person in our ward takes FOREVER, and we’re only gotten to like, people with last names starting with F, after a solid 8 hours of calling people to set times up. This is kinda boring now, but when we start finding ways to get referrals from them, it’ll be more exciting.
Let’s talk about my new comp. Elder Weese. This guy is pretty great. He’s quite the fella. His sense of humor is unlike ANY that I’ve ever seen. Speaking in a low, quiet voice as you say single words will genuinely cause him to bust out laughing. I have no way to really describe him, aside from a great guy. It’s gonna be a good 6 weeks.
We have some other missionaries living with us that are in the Spanish area, Norman 3. I’m in Norman 4, why there are so many numbers? Who knows. But we have to cram 4 dudes in a single bedroom, until we get a new missionary today, who will bring us up to 5 people in a single bedroom. Get pumped.
I’m gonna talk about them because they are quite the people. We’ll start with Elder Janke. It’s pronounced “janky”. Like the slang term for old man Steven’s 1992 Chevy Cruiser. Don’t know if that’s even a car. But that man is HILARIOUS. He’s way cool and I would love to be companions with him. Not that I’m not stoked to be with Elder Weese, but in the future, it would be sick rad. He’s teaching me piano. Then Elder Alton. Sweet butter. This man. THIS MAN. He spent almost 2 hours one time, telling us about how he would casually MAKE OUT WITH KOREAN MODELS. He then will tell us random facts that he MAKES UP, and then just contradict himself the next day. I don’t even know. It’s wild. Jungle law, ya know? But he’s gonna be going to Peru in a couple weeks, just waiting to get his visa finished. It’s a wild apartment. Every day something different happens. Elder Janke has also had strep throat for the entire week, so he literally hasn’t been able to go out and do any work aside from showing up at church.
Well that was a whole lot of information about my area that probably half the people reading this care about, but that’s fine, now nobody will ask me about it.
THIS IS WHERE THE STORIES ACTUALLY BEGIN
So the stuff before was all really about my new area, so for those reading this for the stories, here they are:
So I’m out here, doing what I do best, learning a new trick here and there, and I end up starting to learn how to juggle. Yes the dominos fell that way. But I’m tossing these 3 little hacky sack things, while Elder Weese just watches in his rolly chair. And then I keep messing up, dropping one or whatever, and Elder Weese hits me with the: “Wow, you’re not that good at juggling.” So I take a hit there, but I retaliate with, “Well actually, I figured out this pretty cool trick a couple minutes ago when you weren’t watching, check this out.” So I start it up again, and after like, 4 tosses, I grab the ball outta the air and just HUCK it at Dr. Critical. He was foolishly sitting with his legs spread, and after the strike of a thousand vipers, he dropped to the floor in pain. Hasn’t commented on my juggling since.
Short little gem was he had a guy that was most likely on crack walk up to us, and then knock on the door we had just knocked on, and then waited there with us for a bit in silence, until he just walked away.
Then when we went to visit a member who hadn’t been contacted in a FAT WHILE, so we stopped by. We talked to her and it was all good, until the man of fiery anger strolled through the garage door. Her husband DID NOT look excited to see us there. He then told us how they were gonna be going to another church. So…… Dang. But then she gave us some freaking SPARKLING WATER to comfort us. Yeah, that didn’t help, it pretty much just made it worse. Soda water, sparkling water, whatever you wanna call it is just disgusting. If I may quote Elder Weese after taking a drink of it, “Wow, I almost threw up after that one. Why am I drinking this?” And I just couldn’t stop laughing at such a relatable sentence. We just kept taking a drink, instantly regretting it, waiting 2 minutes, and then going back for another swig. For those long time readers, you already know that I had some past experiences with the Devil’s Kool Aid.
Honestly, the stories are kinda lacking this week. It’s just madness in the apartment all the time with Elder Alton spouting false knowledge, while Elder Janke is just going back and forth between the land of the living and the dead, and Elder Weese and I are throwing little pass along cards we have at each other. Just pure insanity most of the time.
Well this is a lot of stuff to read, so I hope next week’s will have more story, and less me just talking about this place. I feel some gnarly storm brewing for this next week, so get hyped. Thanks for reading this, and sorry we didn’t have too much crazy in this email.
Pics:
We went to this member’s house and they had a metal Thor hammer they made, it was sick. Then I found a picture of Elder Weese on the computer I’m using, so I threw that in. Then the picture of us in the car with our SPARKLING YAK SPIT. Still, I don’t think I can express the disgust I have towards that liquid, with its two ingredients consisting of water and pure, concentrated pain.
Our new address:
3700 W Tecumseh Road, Apt. 6203
Norman OK 73072
SHOUTOUTS:
Sister Allen: She radioed in a shoutout, and she shall receive a shoutout. She’s a missionary I met in the MTC, she’s pretty great, and she’s in IN for her mission. She used to be a super famous Instagram art star I’m pretty sure, don’t know what it is, but she’ll probably be famous someday
Over & Out
Let it Rip, Chuckywanga
Well, we got to find out who’s staying and leaving the Lawton area. And ladies and other ladies, I am happy to announce that yours truly will be headed to Norman. I literally have no idea where that is. But get hyped, because I’m gonna get a new companion: Elder Weese. I’ve met him before and he seems pretty slick. Hope we have a great 6 weeks together. We’ve been pushing the work along here in Lawton, and they’re gonna suffer when they have a severe lack of Schroeder in their midst. Anyway, I don’t know if anything really exciting happened this week, so let’s go through it:
Well, we were making ornaments for Christmas Eve with a member in the church, and I ended up doing what I do best: Pouring too much work into something worthless. So I created an art masterpiece that made Van Gogh praise my name from 6 feet under. I dubbed him “Brand Santa”, and the person whose house we were doing this at loved him so much, he asked to keep it. So I let it go down in history within their household. May they never forget my name.
Dude that’s crazy it was Christmas this week! I got some cool stuff. Thanks to everyone that got me stuff. If you didn’t I don’t blame you. Don’t send me stuff if you don’t want to. Because if you send me stuff, I’ll think I have to send you stuff. And I’m not really about that on my kind of budget.
Well I got to call my family on Christmas, which was cool but I doubt anyone really cares about that part.
ALRIGHT WE GOT SOMETHING. So we went to teach this family where only the mom and the kids are in the church. We’re talking to the kids about Christmas, and we’re like, “What did you guys get for Christmas?” And they run to their rooms and return, triumphant with their freaking BEYBLADES. These 3 lads got BEYBLADES for Christmas. I thought those things were long gone, but sure enough, toy companies know how to make money. They then brought out their “arena” and right before our very eyes, we witnessed a Beyblade championship in that living room. I felt speechless, but you know full well I was cheering on my boy Jerry, which was the name I gave the Beyblade the middle child had. He didn’t win. Sad times. But the best part of all of this is that the kids would literally yell “LET IT RIP!!” Everytime they shot their Beyblades. It was jungle law there man, I’m telling you.
Then this one night we went out to dinner with the man himself: CRAIG. Craig is the pastor dude for the Baptist church, but he loves missionaries. And on the way home, he asks us to figure out who his 2 “roommates” are. I was already thrown for a loop because I thought this dude lived alone, but it turns out we had to guess what he had in his house that was as tall as me. But we had no clue what he was talking about– just playing blind darts on this one. But someone guessed a life-size Darth Vader. And that LIT the Craig fuse. “OH MY GOODNESS!! I was never into all the sci-fi crap. I don’t care about Darth Vader, R2-B2, Chuckywanga…” And I literally couldn’t hear him finish because we were HOLLERING in laughter. “BRO YOU MEAN CHEWBACCA???” I ended up telling him, “DUDE CHUCKYWANGA SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME OF A NATIVE AMERICAN CHIEF!!” And then Craig starts to HIT ME!! I’m just like, “CRAIG!! WHY YOU GOTTA SMITE A BROTHER??” But that’s when he starts yelling, “THAT’S WHO MY ROOMMATES ARE!!!!!” So after getting physically abused, we figured out that he has a 6-foot-tall wooden Native American chief in his house. The other one is a 6-foot-tall wooden cowboy. Which, Craig ya goof, how in the socks were we supposed to guess that??? Wowie, I’m gonna miss that loon.
Then later in the week, for like a solid 8 minutes, it felt like my heart had a STABBING pain in it, and all I could really do is fall off the couch. Which I did. But I’m still alive, so it’s all good.
Dang that’s really all the fun stuff that happened this week aside from doing the work, preaching that good word. I have no idea what Norman will be like, but I’ll let everyone know next week. Thanks for reading this, and I hope you guys all have a fanTASTIC week!
Over and Out
SHOUTOUTS:
Sister Taggart – So I actually DESTROYED her when I roasted her, in front of a whole church member family. But as I said, jungle law out here. She’s gonna be staying in Lawton, so who knows if I’ll get to see her again. I asked her for her ending remarks: “Uhhhhm, I will miss being featured, on hopefully the most iconic weekly email. But you’re gonna do great in Norman, I’m excited for you, Norman is great”
Sister Kettring – Also gonna be staying here in Lawton, but we’ll ask her for her closing remarks: Sniffs nose “Put your trust in Jesus, stay hydrated, stay thriving”
Hermana Salazar – She will ALSO be staying in Lawton. She says: “It’s been a real one. Godspeed and yeehaw”
Sister Howcroft – So she always requests a shoutout, and she’s also going to the Norman area with me, so she’ll probably end up on here again sometime. She is the GOAT, as she says
I Can’t Think of a Clever Subject
We got 2 days, people. 2 days ’til Christmas. And in OK it’s gonna be freaking 70 to the 3 degrees. That’s not Christmas. That’s not even winter. It’s just spring here. I don’t get it, why do they gotta ruin my white winter wonderland? Dang city slickers.
But yeah, at least it means we can bike more! Which WE DON’T FREAKING DO BECAUSE SOMEBODY DECIDED TO REINJURE THEIR TOES! So we’re actually just driving everywhere in nice weather. But that’s ok. DEES TINGS HAPPEN. We’re teaching some new people, including this African family that is just bomb fire and accepts everything we say and loves it, so that’s good!
As for what happened this week, let’s get it started:
Well we had this Christmas Conference, which is where we sound the trombone and gather all the preachy peeps together and you listen to the mission President tell us some stuff, and then have fun. We had a Christmas talent show, which we did a skit for, so that was rad.
But that’s boring pills, let’s tell the good stuff. We went to this retirement home to carol for old people, and since in retirement homes they have a BUNCH of those wall hand sanitizer things, I decided to create a game. I got 2 of the cool Elders to join me in it: The goal of the game is to hit as many of the hand sanitizer dispensers as you can, without dropping any hand sanitizer. So you have to aggressively rub hand sanitizer into your hands, while constantly getting more and more sanitizer. Drop any amount, and you’re out. So you have to balance between getting sanitizer and keeping it in your squeaky clean mitts. It was awesome, and if you get the chance, I suggest you at least give it a shot.
Then also at the senior home, we were talking to this old guy who we couldn’t really understand, but you know we shoot our shot. He thanked us for singing to him and then Sister Nielson goes HOG WILD by asking him to SING FOR US. Now, Sister Nielson is a mad lad. The power move of going to carol to people, and then dropping the Uno reverse card and telling them to SING FOR US. I would’ve dropped from the raw power of that demand, had I not huffed so much hand sanitizer. But this old crusty guy was like, “Yeah I can sing a song for y’all.” Then from his raspy, crinkled voice, he breaks into song: “HAVE YA EVER GOT YER NUTS CAUGHT IN A RAT TRAP?” That is the part that my knees buckled. Literally dropped half a foot from how I was standing. I wasn’t ready. I could never be ready for that. Hearing that sung to me was like someone had removed my spine, and proceeded to beat me over the head with it. That old guy’s going places. Probably heaven soon. Godspeed my brother, keep thriving in madness.
We also got to hang with our zone leaders, who are in charge of the missionaries in a certain area, and we made a video, created Aztec weapons out of hangers and long balloons, had a freestyle rap battle, and I learned the basics of playing the piano with them. That’s what we did when we weren’t OUT SAVING SOULS FOR 15 HOURS. It was super fun.
I also made a nativity recreation, with only me, playing every role, so that was my after hours for 2 nights.
Well, Christmas is coming around, so I’m getting ready to hang out with people here, call my family and just enjoy the season. I hope everyone reading this enjoys their holidays, and I hope I brightened your day, even just a little bit. Merry Christmas to whoever reads my emails, and have a grooving week!
Over and Out
SHOUTOUTS:
Sister Kettring: Whenever you ask her how she’s doing, she always respond with “I’m thriving”, which is the pedal to the metal lifestyle I’m gonna acquire. What a lad.
Sister Taggart: It’s pronounced, “tag-ert”, which I instantly related to “Gogurt” when I first heard her name. She played the Holy Ghost in the skit we did, and she’s rad.
Sister Howcroft: She requested a shoutout, and then left the room to call her family. So I’ll shout her out for wearing a baseball hat every P day. She’s cool.
Stealing Jesus
Well well well, here we go again. Me having to write about what’s happened throughout my week. Keep in mind, aside from every story I tell about something BONKERS that happened, it’s us doing the work, spreading the good work and trying to get people to listen. So rather than talk about the same thing I do every day, I share the things that AREN’T the same every week. Well, here I go looking through my journal to see what has happened to us this time:
So, the background to this story is that, outside of every missionary apartment is a picture of Jesus, for multiple reasons, first being cuz Jesus rocks, and second is so missionaries know where all the other missionaries live and stuff like that. And that’s why we have one at our apartment! Yeah so someone stole ours. Like Swiper the Fox. They just snagged it. And it’s not like they were off into the night with it after they did. THEY WERE OUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR. They took it off of our little paper holder thing, walked 10 feet to their door, and stuck it on. I’ll admit, it’s a bold move. Especially since (1) you’re stealing a PICTURE of JESUS, which should like, click as you’re taking it off of someone else’s door that it’s the wrong thing to do, and (2) because we literally know exactly who did it. Imagine stealing someone else’s car, and parking it down the street. Or another scenario is that someone else had the idea to take our picture of Jesus, and put it on our neighbors door. Which, I’m not quite sure why you would do it, but then again this is Okla freakin’ homa, and nothing makes sense down here.
Then later this week we went up to Oklahoma City and did “New Missionary Graduation”, so I am no longer considered a new missionary, which is good because I’m actually the smartest person ever, and that title was holding me back. Anyways, we had to practice teaching all the lessons to other people, and it turns out that for a little part of the lesson, I was literally teaching false doctrine. I was straight telling this person stuff that isn’t true. Which I only found out AFTER I had finished the lesson. I retract my statement pertaining to my intellect. But we’re all human, at least most of us.
But yeah, while we were up there I got a little card that lets me drive while I’m a missionary. So Mad Max is back fools. They can’t contain my fuel effective off-roading any longer.
Alright, this next one’s on me. A little bit. Not really. But I end up having to step up and clean all of the dishes that my comps didn’t clean. I cleaned mine (hope you’re proud mom), but they didn’t clean theirs. And it was now at the point that we were basically creating our own moss and fungus farm in the sink. But I end up just saying, “Alright chums, time’s up let’s do this” and I get down to it. However, we’re poor, and we don’t have a washcloth. And I realize that as I’m getting to the point of needing to clean the counters and the stove, which looked like a Chernobyl replica, I needed fabric that could wipe. So I go scrounging for some kind of rag or something, and I find the top part of a white dress shirt, which looks like the highest crop top of all time. But I’m like, “Yeah this is a rag, this doesn’t belong to anyone here, nobody will care if I use it to clean the oven top battlefield of 1914.”
Now, it turns out that it was NOT a rag, and DID belong to someone, and they WOULD care if I used it to clean the stove. But Past Zaque didn’t know that, homie was just trying to fix this place up, make it spic and span for when Jesus pulls up to the crib. So I proceed to thoroughly and royally MESS THIS SHIRT UP MAN. If it wasn’t a rag before, it sure was now. It had more stains than a 9-year-old kid’s shirt after a good summer day. So I finally finish, and the kitchen is now officially CLEAN. The shirt, very much NOT CLEAN, but the tradeoff seemed way worth it to me.
Elder Spillman does what he does best, and shows up to help when I’ve already done everything myself. He sees the blood, sweat, and tears of my hard labors on the ground, the countertops so clean you could play shuffleboard off those bad boys, and this tattered mass of dirt in my quaking right hand. He’s like, “Where did you get that rag?” as he pointed to my latest Shamwow product. “I just found it on the ground, placed there by one of you dirty dolittles.” Well, turns out that the “rag” was actually Elder Marler’s fake white shirt that he wears under sweaters, so he doesn’t have to wear an actual white dress shirt. So, there I am, clutching the rag formerly known as Elder Marler’s sweater shirt, and looking at the catastrophe on Elder Spillman’s horrified face. He was scared. He was more than scared, he was trembling as he was mentally preparing for the confrontation of Elder Marler that was brought about my choices. But not me. No sir, not me. That 5 foot 9 hunk of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails couldn’t do anything to a man of my caliber. But it was a fight I wasn’t gonna be excited for. So I made a tactical call, and decided to just leave it near the sink, to use later, hoping that Elder Marler would just come to accept that he no longer had a sweater shirt, and we now had a new rag for cleaning dishes. I’ve let that stand as a statement against any and all that are unwilling to actually clean their dishes, to show them the consequences of failing to live in cleanliness. Elder Marler also still doesn’t know that it used to be his, so that helps.
Now, I could explain this next story, but I’ll just sum it up real quick. I went to send my package to my family, and I ended up getting approached by this random guy that I straight thought was gonna shoot me. He asked what church we were missionaries for, and when I said the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, he said, “Oh I thought you guys were Mormons. If you were I woulda messed you up.” And he got back in his car. So yay for confusion, which ended up saving me from getting “messed up”. And I got to talk with him alone because my companions BOTH got in the car and decided to not get out until he had left. Snakes in a car, gonna be a spin off movie I make based on this true story.
Well, those are some long stories, but I hope anyone actually reading this enjoys them. Have a great week, and I’ll try to actually get shot next time, so the story is more entertaining. Catch you guys next time!
Over and Out
SHOUTOUTS:
Nick: My boy Nick. Nick requested a shoutout via smoke signal, so he’s getting in on the action. Nick is my hookup with the real world, and tells me about what’s happening back in Colorado, the coolest state in the US. He’s way sick, and a real homie.
Hermana Salazar: She’s a sister missionary, but if you’re also spanish-speaking, you are called an Hermana. She requested specifically being shouted out for having an army jacket that she found at Goodwill. Stay thrifty out there, kids.
The Bloods and the Cripples
Alrighty, let’s start with some good news: The Unstoppable Child of last week got baptized on Sunday. We finally snagged him. One down, 7.2 billion to go. Other than that, we’ve been slowly trying to find more people and teach the people we have found, but everyone is just, slooping away from us. We’ll have to change our tactics to force. Other than that, it’s been a pretty normal week. I think. Gotta check what happened and type it all out, so here we go.
Well, last Monday I talked about how we were gonna do a zone P-Day, where we all get to hang out and play some fun games, and I didn’t get body slammed into the wall this time, but Elder Spillman ZONKED his toe up playing soccer. So we haven’t really done any biking or walking these week, and we had to drop our pace speed to that of an amputee grandma, as we trudge along with Sir LimpsALot.
Then we were given the address of this new member in the church, and it was to these apartments, that we were SPECIFICALLY told to avoid at all costs. So of course we go to find this man, and we were given naught but 2 numbers, as to the possibility of which apartment was his. So we figured we would just try the two different numbers, hoping that whichever apartment wasn’t his, wouldn’t shoot us. Then we get there and find out that there are apartment buildings A B C D E F G. Sooooo, rather than trying every door, we decided to just, not, and call this guy later. Turns out literally both numbers were blatant lies, and he gave us the real number. Fun enough, when we did meet the guy, he told us how 90% of the people living in these apartments were in a gang, and this was their territory. Yeehaw, gotta love Lawton!
Then when we went to teach Unstoppable Child the final lesson earlier this week for his baptism, we just watched this guy 1-hit KO this girl in the parking lot. In between our car, and the one exit outta there. So you already know that we got to drive between these groups of people, I gave ’em a little wave and a smile. Nobody waved back.
Then on Saturday, our ward was doing a Christmas party, and a talent show with it. Sister Benesch, in one last hoorah, signed up the missionaries to do a talent before she got transferred to a different part of Oklahoma. Snakes everywhere, I tell ya. But yeah, I ended up suggesting we do a skit, so we made the roughest of drafts, and then basically assigned roles and went on. I have yet to acquire the video of it, because the person that took it couldn’t send it to us.
Dang this email has been a NAP, but I might as well include my vow that I made literally moments after getting to Oklahoma. So you know how people say “y’all”? Yeah no. I’m not about that. Like, at all. That work belongs to the hicks, and I literally refuse to use it. I usually say “you guys” or something like “you fools”, but never, NEVER, “y’all”. That word is prohibited from entering my vocabulary, as it forever should be, and forever will be. Miss me with that rodeo talk, ya goofy belt lickers. That might’ve been a little harsh, so anyone reading this that uses the word “y’all”: Sorry for calling you out, but that word is not for me. Hope you don’t hate me for it.
WOWZERS I’m sorry that this email hasn’t been the most entertaining, and I really hope nobody got offended by having me call out the “y’all” users, but we’ll find out next week.
SHOUTOUTS:
Kenny: My man Kenny emailed in with the request, and I will deliver. Kenny is going to college somewhere in Colorado, and he’s having a fantastic time up there. He’s super rad and is a real homie for sure.
Sister Kettring: She’s wack. I don’t even know what to say about her. She was actually just flipping out about the new rules we have now, and didn’t have an answer for when I asked her what she wanted me to include about her in the email.
Sister Taggart: She played this dude named Lemuel in our skit, and she’s got orange hair. She’s more laid back than Sister Kettring, but still quite the hoot.
Sister Howcroft: When I asked what the B on her hat stood for, she told me bad to the bone. And I think that sums it up. She’s still chilling with 6 months left on her mission.
The picture is our zone, and we all were required to buy an ugly Christmas sweater, so I joined the Turtleneck Gang with my super slick attire. Also, whatever impure soul suggested we take this picture on a truck lost all of my respect. Not gonna name names, but I know who did it.
Over and Out
Harry Potter and the Unstoppable Child
Well hot pretzels, I gotta crank this out in like, 30 minutes because the rest of the zone is coming to play games with all of us together. So sorry gents and lasses, but this email’s gonna be LICKITY SPLIT.
We’re still teaching people and finding new ones, it’s fun stuff.
Monday after I emailed all you clowns, we went out and got haircuts at this sketchy Korean barbershop, but it was cheap and pretty fly, I personally think.
Then we went to a music store and I bought an instrument called a THUNDERTUBE. It’s a tube, with a long, thin spring attached to the bottom, and then you just, wiggle wiggle, and it goes: WANNNNGAWANNNNNNNGGRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM. It’s my kind of music.
That night, we went to this kid we were teaching and lemme tell you what: this kid is unstoppable. And I mean it. When he has something to say, HE SAYS IT. No matter who’s speaking, or what they’re saying, he will just have the words formulate in his head, and he will SPOUT THEM FROM HIS LIPS. “So ya see, if we’re all good people–” “SO LIKE WHY DO ZEBRAS HAVE STRIPES? CUZ LIKE, NO OTHER ANIMALS HAVE STRIPES. WELL LIKE, TIGERS DO, BUT LIKE, ZEBRA ARE THE ONLY FRIENDLY ANIMALS WITH STRIPES.” Like flip, my boy, how do we contain you?
Then of course as we’re there, and we’re saying hi to the family, he just pulls out a flat sponge kinda thing from his pocket and boldly announces the power that this sponge has. And proceeds to wipe this dirty knife all over the table and proclaim, “So you see, it can clean up any mess!” Wipes the table three times “BOOM, three wipes and the mess is GONE! Look look, I’ll do it again, even the biggest messes are gone in SECONDS!” Wipes knife on the table again and then wipes it clean “ISN’T THAT AMAZING?? IT CLEANS ANY MESS, IN SECONDS!!” I was living a Shamwow commercial. I thought that I was in some kind of wack dream.
Then he proceeds to explain how he was gonna carve pool balls outta wood, and all he needed was a log. We’re like, “Don’t you want a knife or something?” And he’s just like, “Nah, I’ll use my teeth.” This kid. THIS KID. I could make this whole email about him, I swear. But I’m running out of time, so we’ll move on.
This week has been pretty chill, though. Thanksgiving we spent just hangin’ with some members in our ward.
On Black Friday, we went and talked to people in the stores, because we like a challenge, and then I got peer pressured into buying a 3-pound Hershey’s bar. It’s a wild time.
But Saturday was BRUTAL. We were biking everywhere and the wind was just going BONKERS ON OUR PANTALOONS. Like, at least a whole lot of speed. I can’t tell you how fast it was, because I didn’t have my wind speed tracker on my person that day. But like, it was ROUGH. We biked for 30 minutes one way, and 2 minutes coming back. Also the wind blew me off my bike and I got stabbed by my bike gears. Sad times.
Yeah I’m pretty sure the zone is pulling in, and a couple of them are here. So I gotta BOUNCE. Sorry this isn’t as bizarre as some of my emails, but I’ll try to do some more crazy things. Thanks for reading through my email, and have a great day everyone!
So, apparently getting shouted out in my email has become a thing, so we’ll have them at the end of my emails now.
SHOUTOUTS:
Sister Howcroft requested a shoutout, so she’ll get another one. We usually just roast each other when we cross paths, it’s fun times.
Sister Kettring is requesting a shoutout as well. She got transferred in like, 2 weeks ago, and she’s pretty rad. She’s also super short.
Sister Pike asked what I was doing and I informed her of the shoutouts, so she requested one as well. She’s way sick and really laid back. She’s not from around my area, but she’s here for the zone activities we’re doing late.
Over and Out
Welcome to the Ghettos, we got Thugs and Gangs
So I’m starting this email off with trying to upload like, 8 pictures, so I don’t know how well they’re gonna turn out, sorry folks.
We’ve been having some success with people, but mostly, people haven’t been home, and so we’ve spent a lot of time trying to find new people. We do this thing where I have to use a random word they give me in my little greeting spiel. Which makes it pretty fun. I’m having a good time doing the work, but as far as stories, I don’t know, my memory sucks, so I’m gonna go through my journal and tell these stories as I’m learning them myself. Let’s roll.
At the end of P-Day, we were going out to dinner with this member in our ward, Sister Early. And she took us to a buffet place, and Elder Marler loads up on seafood. Now, Sister Early HATES seafood. She despises just hearing the SOUND of it being eaten. And Elder Marler is unaware. And we see he’s gotten himself some crawfish. We ask him how to eat those shelly boys, and he starts telling us all the details. Now, out of the corner of my eye I see Sister Early go to take a bite of her food, hear him describe the slurping out of the crawfish meat, and watch her drop her fork onto her plate, and sit back it traumatic disgust. I almost laughed, but caught myself and asked her if she was a fan of seafood. And that’s how we found out that she hated it, and then Elder Marler had to proceed to whisper us the instructions of crawfish consumption. She didn’t eat well the rest of the night, sorry Sister Early.
Tuesday Highlights:
Talked to a gang leader
Popped a bike tire
Moving on, Elder Marler was making potatoes. Classic lunch. But I look away FOR TWO MINUTES, and I look back, and I see him pouring the last couple drops of the orange juice directly into the pan. We lock eyes. No noise, just the sound of potatoes frying in OJ. “Elder Marler, is that ORANGE JUICE?” “You don’t need to worry about it.” And we didn’t talk about it. I just went back to eating cereal.
Wow nothing else has really happened this week, I’m already looking through Saturday and there’s not really anything wild. I mean, when we went to grab food one night, this dude just walked up to us and was like, “You see that lady over there? She’s a HUNDERD YEARS OLD” And I spell it “hunderd” because that’s how he said it. Like, cool man, glad to know that. Then he just walked away. So that happened.
I was gonna wait to bring this up when I find out that I’m leaving Lawton, but this place straight up has the ghettos. Like you got the center part of town, and it’s a kinda nice place, but the further out you get, the sketchier it gets. Literally, the area code is called the “Shady 580” because it’s exactly that. Shady. “The Lawton Lullaby” is when you’re going to bed and all you can hear are police sirens, which you can hear almost anytime you stop and listen. Sorry mom, but if I’m gonna get shot on my mission, it’ll be here. Straight up. Hope that’s making things a bit spicier.
Yeah I got nothing else this week. Sorry that the well ran dry, but she’ll fill up by next Monday. Thanks for reading this, and I hope it was able to keep your interest for the whole time.
Pictures: We got my recreation of a famous art piece, but with silly putty I found in my suit coat pocket, my recreation of Target ad signs, and then the new gang in town. Which is gonna be us.
