Imagine a world… where people are all the same… and all those people… are really really flakey. That’s the life I live. Everyone either isn’t there, or they cancel on us. But that’s all good, we’ll get ’em next time around. As far as wild things that happened? Lemme crunch the numbers.
Well, for starters, I have become a master magician. We were eating wings, WITH the bones, so real wings, and I was wearing a big coat. So as we’re eating these wings, I accidentally dropped one right down my coat sleeve. So of course, as I shake my sleeve, the wing falls and I catch it as it slips out. I look up, and see Elder Janke, DUMBFOUNDED by what just happened. As I lock eye contact with him I simply say, “For my next trick…” and we Blockbusted out laughing. He later explained to me that it seemed like I just pulled a wing bone out of thin air, and then went with it.
Yeah, sadly this week didn’t have many exciting stories. In other sad news, the 3 other Elders living with us are moving out, and going to live somewhere else. We’ll still get to see them, but we won’t have as much jungle law there as usual.
Something fun for me was going to this Australian German member’s house, where we had some killer food.
This is probably the most dull weekly email I’ve sent, but that’s also because I’m tired from jumping on trampolines, sorry chaps. I will be going to dinner where they only speak Spanish though, so that should be a good time!
Well, I’ve set the bar low, so get pumped for next week!
Over and Out
SHOUTOUTS:
Me. Because I had to type out this email on my phone, so it took me a fat while, and also probably the reason I didn’t include more stories.
The Classic Leg Stroke
Buckle up lads and lasses, this week has SUCKED. Nah I’m just kidding, although I don’t think too many ZONKY things happened.
As far as missionary work goes, we’ve been visiting members and knocking doors. And that’s about all we’ve been doing. The members here are really cool and they actually like us. Some people hate us as soon as they see us. But let’s run the list and see what went down.
Well we went up to this place called Lake Thunderbird last Monday with everyone from the zone, so that was fun. We played spikeball and mafia and all those games. It was a pretty good time. We took some pics and relit my love of panoramas, as you will see below.
Anywham, this is a story that just got me all upside down confused. So on Tuesday we were swinging by 7/11, getting some slushies like ya do, and then outta nowhere Elder Weese is just like, “Get back to the car.” And I’m like, “Uhhhhhh, what?” “Just get back to the car.” And he kinda starts walking into me and I end up going with it. So we leave the store, and get back in the car. I’m still confused as to what is happening, but he’s like, “The lady in there trying to get a Slushie literally yelled at us when we knocked her door 5 weeks ago.”
So side note: Elder Weese has a RIDICULOUSLY good memory. Like he’ll say a name, and I’m like, “Who is that?” And he’s just like, “Don’t you remember? They were the person we called last week and they rescheduled dinner from the 8th to the 13th at 5:30.” And I didn’t even remember that those people called, let alone what their name is. So he has a really good memory, and I really don’t. So that’s how he remembered that lady that yelled at him and his past companion. So we just ended up sitting in there for like 5 minutes, hiding in our car like we were scoping this place out. Then we went back in and all was well; the beast had left the den.
Later in the day after the 7/11 scenario, we drove to this place called Duncan. Yes, like the donuts. But we get up there and as all 5 of us are getting out of our car, we see this little playground for the apartment complex, and we see the mother of all rotary entertainment. A merry-go-round. I thought such contraptions were but a fleeting memory because I haven’t seen one since I was a young chap. But of course I make like Nile Rodgers and FREAK OUT. As does my homeboy, Elder Janke. So we just hoo hoo our way over to the cyclone, and we start having fun. Hot WHEELS man! Those things are SO fun! I miss seeing them more. If I ever go to Duncan as my area, I will literally be playing on that merry-go-round as my morning workout every single day. Good times.
Now, one of the days, we got to go to Buffalo Wild Wings with all 5 of us. If you’ve never been there, it’s a place that serves wings, and I personally really like it. But since nobody else in our apartment actually enjoys REAL wings, we went on a Thursday, where you can get a deal on BONELESS wings. Which is shtewpid, because boneless wings are just gourmet chicken nuggets with sauce. But due to Roman law, we end up going on Thursday. And since I am such a thrifty person, I also get the unmanly nuggets, solely for the deal of buy one get one free. But when you get wings or fake wings, you get to choose a sauce to put on them. The hottest is made with ghost peppers, I’m pretty sure. Either way, it’s WAY spicy. And as we know from previous emails, I love to live in constant pain. So I order a little side of the hottest sauce.
Our meal progresses, and I’m dipping just a little bit of the meat bricks into the sauce, and casually sipping my water. Then Elder Janke is like, “You gotta douse that thing in the sauce, what are you doing?” So I take a DOMINANCE CHECK, and like Shaquille O’Neal, I dunk the hunk of flavored bird into the sauce. [Side note, I just fell out of my chair while writing that last sentence] I mix it all together like I know that it’s the best of both worlds, and take the liquid fire and pop the whole thing in my mouth. I eat it and it was spicy, but then Elder Janke wanted to know for himself exactly how hot it was. So he takes one of his wings and slathers it like I did. He tosses that hot boy in his mouth and starts chewing. After swallowing it, he does what all BASIC white people do when they eat hot stuff. He starts breathing through his mouth as he begins the Gallon Challenge with all the water glasses around him.
In between his gulps and breathing, he looks at me and like a perfectly timed movie, a single tear rolls out of his eye. Oh man, it was like the stars aligned for me right there and it just killed me. Silly white people, thinking they can handle hot food.
More fun times when we tracted in the pouring rain, and got to use pity to talk to people. Still literally nobody let us in or wanted to talk to us, but Elder Weese and I were laughing through the whole thing. Having the right attitude is a real thing, kids. After doing that for 2 hours, we were running late for dinner, so we got picked up and had to just go right there. So we end up walking into the house literally soaking wet. My shoes made a nice squishing sound as my soggy socks kept my feet nice and cozy.
On Sunday we went to dinner at a different member’s house and we were saying a prayer over the food. I’m sitting across from the mom, with Elder Weese at my 3 o’clock. The prayer begins and my eyes are closed, head down with arms folded like a good Christian boy, when suddenly there’s a light rubbing sensation going up and down my right leg. Now deducing like Sherlock, there are only 2 options as to who the Heckleberry Finn is STROKING MY LEG DURING A PRAYER, and that is (1) my homeboy Elder Weese, or (2) the MOTHER OF THIS FAMILY. Now, my horrified eyes swing open like the gates of hell, looking for whoever is playing footsie with me while one of the sons is saying the prayer, and I look in terror across the table. The mom is just folding her arms and looking down, so she checks out, THANK GLORY that it wasn’t her doing this act of heresy. But that leaves Elder Weese. I have no idea why he would be playing FOOTSIE with me during a communication with GOD, but I was genuinely rattled about the whole thing.
By the time I was peering over at Elder Weese, my leg was no longer being caressed, and Elder Weese was also praying like a good noodle. So luckily, the prayer ends seconds after my investigation, and I decide to close “The Case of the Appendage Assault” once and for all. So I lift the tablecloth to catch my culprit like a fat kid eating Hot Cheetos: RED HANDED. And I see them. Or it. Because it was just their dog that I didn’t know they had. But let me tell you: When you’re sitting at a dinner table and you think that someone’s mom is playing footsie with you, you achieve the purest response of “Fight or Flight” you ever will. If I had to choose a point in time that I felt true terror, that would be it.
On another note, there were these two dogs walking around the parking lot of our apartment when we got home and of course I’m like, “Hello dogs, how would you like to be petted?” And they just start going wild at me like trees: BARKING. Then one goes to bite me and I’m like, “OKAY, guess we’re walking away now.” And we just strolled outta there.
Wow, hopefully that was a bit more entertaining than last week, and I hope you guys have a wonderful day. Stay frosty.
SHOUTOUTS:
My Dad: Even my own FATHER decided to ask for a shoutout on my email. He’s my favorite dad, and a whole bunch of awesome. He loves to play board games, even when I stomp him half the time. He’s really good with computers and a funny guy. He’s way cool and I’m glad he forged me into the legend I have become.
Elder Janke: He probably gets more mention in my emails than my own companion, but that’s because he and I are just so similar. Chances are after someone says something, we’re both already on the same page for what our response is going to be.
Elder Weese: “Yeah shoutout me, do it” was his response when the question was posed. He’s a bunch of fun and astoundingly good at basketball. He just takes the rest of us missionaries playing and proceeds to MOP THE FLOOR with us. The janitor hasn’t had to clean the gym since he got here. It’s a great time serving with him.
The Drought
I’m a broken man. It’s like 3 and a half months in and Elder Schroeder is gone.
At least the pronunciation of my name is. Elder Janke has been calling me names like Shredder, Schrodinger, Schneider, just about anything that starts with a SH and ends with an ER. Then members try to pronounce my name and literally every time without fail they pronounce “Schroeder” like it’s spelled, and I have just given up trying to tell them it’s “Schrayder.”
But yeah, update on the new missionary they picked up last week: His name is Elder Lara, he’s from Mexico and lived in TX for a bit. He also insults my family name like Elder Janke.
Elder Weese and I were gonna be talking to members quite a lot this past week, except my immune system decided to go on strike and I got sick. Getting sick sucked man. I had these crazy dreams that I was a prophet from the Bible and had to make stuff outta yarn. Second worst night of my life. And the best part is we have no food here, so I’m sick and all I have to eat are eggs without salt and pepper, and toasted bread. But we’re on the uphill climb to getting better. Shout out to my mom for taking care of me when I got sick.
WOW this week like NOTHING story-worthy happened. But I’ll look through my book of life anyway.
Wow this is the saddest thing, I don’t have any good stories. It doesn’t help that I was sick for a few days, either. But I know the crowds in the arena are hungry for excitement, so I’ll just tell an old story from my life. One even my CLOSEST friends don’t know. I’m kidding, it was one of my best friends that got me to do it, and it’s how I ended up even becoming friends with him in the first place. My good friend, and one serving a mission in Brazil: Kyer.
So this all starts in a chemistry class. There are only 5 minutes left in class, and we had already finished our worksheets, so we’re just hanging around the counters and sinks, waiting to leave. My friend had a gatorade bottle that they were gonna go throw away, and they ended up just scapegoating me, and told me to throw it away for them. But I am an efficient machine of a man, so I decide I’m gonna make like Goofy and just hyuck this thing across the classroom into the garbage can next to the window. That’s when a mysterious figure appears from behind me, seeing me getting ready to underhand it like a wussy boy. So he doesn’t even introduce himself, he just says, “No no no, you gotta fill it with water a bit, give it some weight.” I recognized this wisdom, and I was like, “Yeah you right.” So I put some water in there. I screw the cap back on and prep the underhand toss again, swinging it back and forth as I calculate the precise weight of this bottle. Then the mysterious man shares another secret of knowledge. “What is this underhand nonsense? You gotta TOMAHAWK it.” Well dang, mama didn’t raise a coward. So I bring the bottle up. At this point, other people are seeing this event taking place, and I just wind it back and YEET.
The literal MOMENT I say “YEET” the classroom falls dead silent and all eyes follow the bottle sail through the air. CRRRRERNSHSCCHH The bottle just flies dead into the metal blinds on the window next to the trash can. “ZAQUE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???” The chem teacher just called me out like that, and I bumble out of my mouth: “I was just, ya know, throwing away the uhh, bottle.” She ended up just shaking her head at me, and the mystery man and I start to bust out laughing at the whole event. That mystery man was of course, Kyer. He is still a great friend of mine, and that’s the starting moment that we actually became pals.
I’m sorry that this week there was like, literally nothing that would make a good story from my mission, but hopefully we can actually get something this upcoming one. Well, thanks for reading this, everyone that did, have a good week and remember the Alamo.
SHOUTOUTS:
Elder Janke – Nobody else is here, so he was the only person I could even ask. He’s sick in both aspects of the word, and he was the one that kept me company in the apartment when we were both sick, while all the healthy boys went out together. Good man
Over and Out
Ooh, this week we have a raffle winner!
The Boiled Vinegar is Back
Huh, where the heck do I begin. Probably the beginning. So last time I left you guys were at the edge of your seats, eager to hear more about the maelstrom of chaos I live in. Well, we played 4 square for a while, and hung out with the other missionaries there until the end of our last P-day, and then I literally don’t remember what we did the rest of the day.
Real quick, I’ll talk about the boring stuff before we get to the other boring stuff: The area I’m in now, Norman, has like NOBODY that the missionaries are teaching. We basically have resorted to solely trying to get members of the church to give us referrals to their friends that might be interested. We tried tracting and knocking on doors, but Elder Weese, who has been here for 3 months, is like, “They either just say they’re not interested, or they pretend to be, and flake out of every meeting with them ever.” And his wisdom has shown this fact to be true.
So we are going to be implementing absurd ways to try and get members to tell us who we can visit by using wack methods, trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. Some ideas include: Making bets with them. Begging on our knees. Holding them hostage. Bringing cookies. Basically, we’re going to try EVERY idea that we have, that won’t make the members hate us, until we figure out what works and what doesn’t. We really haven’t gotten into it, because contacting every person in our ward takes FOREVER, and we’re only gotten to like, people with last names starting with F, after a solid 8 hours of calling people to set times up. This is kinda boring now, but when we start finding ways to get referrals from them, it’ll be more exciting.
Let’s talk about my new comp. Elder Weese. This guy is pretty great. He’s quite the fella. His sense of humor is unlike ANY that I’ve ever seen. Speaking in a low, quiet voice as you say single words will genuinely cause him to bust out laughing. I have no way to really describe him, aside from a great guy. It’s gonna be a good 6 weeks.
We have some other missionaries living with us that are in the Spanish area, Norman 3. I’m in Norman 4, why there are so many numbers? Who knows. But we have to cram 4 dudes in a single bedroom, until we get a new missionary today, who will bring us up to 5 people in a single bedroom. Get pumped.
I’m gonna talk about them because they are quite the people. We’ll start with Elder Janke. It’s pronounced “janky”. Like the slang term for old man Steven’s 1992 Chevy Cruiser. Don’t know if that’s even a car. But that man is HILARIOUS. He’s way cool and I would love to be companions with him. Not that I’m not stoked to be with Elder Weese, but in the future, it would be sick rad. He’s teaching me piano. Then Elder Alton. Sweet butter. This man. THIS MAN. He spent almost 2 hours one time, telling us about how he would casually MAKE OUT WITH KOREAN MODELS. He then will tell us random facts that he MAKES UP, and then just contradict himself the next day. I don’t even know. It’s wild. Jungle law, ya know? But he’s gonna be going to Peru in a couple weeks, just waiting to get his visa finished. It’s a wild apartment. Every day something different happens. Elder Janke has also had strep throat for the entire week, so he literally hasn’t been able to go out and do any work aside from showing up at church.
Well that was a whole lot of information about my area that probably half the people reading this care about, but that’s fine, now nobody will ask me about it.
THIS IS WHERE THE STORIES ACTUALLY BEGIN
So the stuff before was all really about my new area, so for those reading this for the stories, here they are:
So I’m out here, doing what I do best, learning a new trick here and there, and I end up starting to learn how to juggle. Yes the dominos fell that way. But I’m tossing these 3 little hacky sack things, while Elder Weese just watches in his rolly chair. And then I keep messing up, dropping one or whatever, and Elder Weese hits me with the: “Wow, you’re not that good at juggling.” So I take a hit there, but I retaliate with, “Well actually, I figured out this pretty cool trick a couple minutes ago when you weren’t watching, check this out.” So I start it up again, and after like, 4 tosses, I grab the ball outta the air and just HUCK it at Dr. Critical. He was foolishly sitting with his legs spread, and after the strike of a thousand vipers, he dropped to the floor in pain. Hasn’t commented on my juggling since.
Short little gem was he had a guy that was most likely on crack walk up to us, and then knock on the door we had just knocked on, and then waited there with us for a bit in silence, until he just walked away.
Then when we went to visit a member who hadn’t been contacted in a FAT WHILE, so we stopped by. We talked to her and it was all good, until the man of fiery anger strolled through the garage door. Her husband DID NOT look excited to see us there. He then told us how they were gonna be going to another church. So…… Dang. But then she gave us some freaking SPARKLING WATER to comfort us. Yeah, that didn’t help, it pretty much just made it worse. Soda water, sparkling water, whatever you wanna call it is just disgusting. If I may quote Elder Weese after taking a drink of it, “Wow, I almost threw up after that one. Why am I drinking this?” And I just couldn’t stop laughing at such a relatable sentence. We just kept taking a drink, instantly regretting it, waiting 2 minutes, and then going back for another swig. For those long time readers, you already know that I had some past experiences with the Devil’s Kool Aid.
Honestly, the stories are kinda lacking this week. It’s just madness in the apartment all the time with Elder Alton spouting false knowledge, while Elder Janke is just going back and forth between the land of the living and the dead, and Elder Weese and I are throwing little pass along cards we have at each other. Just pure insanity most of the time.
Well this is a lot of stuff to read, so I hope next week’s will have more story, and less me just talking about this place. I feel some gnarly storm brewing for this next week, so get hyped. Thanks for reading this, and sorry we didn’t have too much crazy in this email.
Pics:
We went to this member’s house and they had a metal Thor hammer they made, it was sick. Then I found a picture of Elder Weese on the computer I’m using, so I threw that in. Then the picture of us in the car with our SPARKLING YAK SPIT. Still, I don’t think I can express the disgust I have towards that liquid, with its two ingredients consisting of water and pure, concentrated pain.
Our new address:
3700 W Tecumseh Road, Apt. 6203
Norman OK 73072
SHOUTOUTS:
Sister Allen: She radioed in a shoutout, and she shall receive a shoutout. She’s a missionary I met in the MTC, she’s pretty great, and she’s in IN for her mission. She used to be a super famous Instagram art star I’m pretty sure, don’t know what it is, but she’ll probably be famous someday
