Finessed by an Asian Guy

So what even happened this week? Well, for starters, I FINALLY ENDED THE ROCK PAPER SCISSORS LOSE STREAK!! After Elder Livingston got 18 wins in a row… Yes, EIGHTEEN TIMES IN A ROW!! Literally defies ALL logic. But I finally brought that curtain closed earlier this week. It felt good to be back, but I was a little disappointed he didn’t break 20 in a row…

Then we went to this service project where we loaded boxes of food into people’s cars, and two fun things happened. First, this lady demanded I take her 3 dollars, and when I tried to hit her with the NAH card, she just threw these crumpled up bills at me like some kinda charity case, then basically burned rubber as she peeled outta there. Then this random Asian guy came up to us, and he had hopped out of his car to go unlock his truck for us, and when it swung open, we saw the food boxes he had gotten from the station before us. And I’m trying to say, “Oh, looks like they already got you some boxes”, but this guy is just like, “Thank you so much sir, thank you, thank you.” And he starts to just take the boxes out of my hand. And he’s thanking me as he does this, and then just gets back in his car and just, whips outta there. I was just dumbfounded. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll use the food for good.

Also, our dryer sounds like someone is beating a screeching weasel against a cracked Chinese gong. It’s very pleasing to the ears. Nah, not really. But when we have to dry our clothes, we just try to bar the door shut with a stool and some rope, and muffle the sound as much as we can. Then we go into another room and still hear it. So it’s a pretty fun time over here. Also, it dries at about the same rate that glaciers move. So you have to run your clothes for about a good 3 hours before they can be worn comfortably.

And that wraps my week up nicely. Thanks for reading this! At least all the people that actually do. I found another person that doesn’t, so we get to do the RAFFLE AGAIN!!!

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Kaitlyn – So she’s been married to my older brother Alex for a year, as of a few days ago! Don’t know how she hasn’t snapped, because my brother is just something else entirely. Nah I’m kidding, my brother is a cool fella.

Pics:

So I tried to make microwave s’mores with chocolate chips and…. They, how you say, expanded.

Bible Frisbee

Alright, so I’ve spent most of the day fishing and playing card games, so I gotta crank this out pretty quick.

So this week we were recording a video to slap onto Facebook, and basically I had to catch two eggs at the same time. (Don’t ask how we got to that point). But we practiced the throwing and the catching quite a bit, and then when we got to the real deal… I of course dropped one. And then another, and then a third. I had to clean the floor three different times because raw egg just splattered all over the hardwood. I even had a blanket down there, but one of the eggs literally just broke on the blanket! So hoo boy, I gotta brush up on my simultaneous egg catching skills if I want to make the 2024 Olympic team.

Alright, then one of the days, we were going to try and meet this lady so we could start teaching her and her kids, and on our little walk from our car, this guy working on his truck just calls out to us: “Hey, you got any Bibles? Cuz I’m boutta cuss this truck up and down!” Except his words had a bit more color to them, if you get what I’m sayin. And then we told him we got some in the car, but he flaked out and said he was kidding. So cut to us getting in our car and driving away later, and we are about to drive right past where he was sitting with all his tools out, and I notice a single Bible on our dashboard…. So I slow down as my window rolls down, and then I just full on discus YEET that Bible out the window. I swear, angels guided that book to land right in the middle of all his stuff face up. Oh it was glorious. And we know where he lives, so we’re gonna hit him up next time we go back to that one lady.

Yeah, sorry I don’t have too much stuff today… I did however make another raffle video, so I hope you clowns are entertained. Even though clowns are supposed to do the entertaining. But there’s no rest for the righteous, so we’re gonna keep chuggin’ through this next week. But it has been a good one, make sure you check out the…

RAFFLE:

Thanks for tuning in gang, catch you guys next week.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Nick: So Nick sent me pictures of clouds, and they look really nice. Clouds are sick man, they’re just like floating balls of water the size of buildings. But Nick is a cool guy.

Grandmother Teresa

Alright, gotta crank this bad boy out real quick.

So we had to get our oil changed this week, and since the church has some deal with all Firestone (not sponsored) car places, we punch in “Firestone complete auto”, which is a great car shop that can fix up any car troubles you might be having. You can check to find some in your area, or call 855-540-0015 to get your quote today! That’s eight five five, five four zero, double oh fifteen.

But actually, Firestone sucks, cuz we searched for where they were and we went to where the blessed Google Maps took us, and it was a completely different auto shop. So we go to the next closest one, and guess what? ANOTHER HOAX! We had to go to the third Firestone place before it was actually Firestone. What a garbage company. Fix your maps, guys.

Then we got to do some service on another day, where we load boxes of food and stuff into trunks of cars that drive through. And let me tell you: The number of people that complain about the amount of FREE food they get is too dang high. They see that they only get TWO boxes filled with food, and they’re like, “Is that it?” Like, “YES FOREHEAD! Stop whining about your free freakin food!” But yeah, some peoples’ kids these days. On the plus side, we got to take home 8 gallons of milk, so my bones will not be breaking anytime soon.

Oh yo! We got this kid baptized! Basically all we had to do was ask him, and he was down, I don’t understand how missionaries before hadn’t already gotten that kid in the font. But that was pretty kickin’.

Then on another day, we were on our way out the door, and I open it up, and went to grab the outside of the door and pull it open, when in the very spot I would have placed my hand, was this FAT spider. Like, the sumo wrestling world champion of the spider world, just chillin’ right where I went to grab. Luckily, I got those mad reflexes, so I bailed out and yelled something along the lines of: “SWEET BLESSED GRANDMOTHER TERESA, WHY IN THE NAME OF DAVY JONES’ LOCKER IS THAT LIL’ BOY SO DANG FFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAT?!?!?” And Elder Horne was like, “You mean Mother Teresa?” And I was like, “Look buddy… There are moments that you gotta call out Mother Teresa, but this was clearly a Grandmother Teresa moment. One that is leagues above just a regular Mother Teresa moment.”

Then we also had a lesson coming up on one of the days, and Elder Horne pulled a classic move where he forgot his mask, so he had to use a paper towel from the bathroom and some scotch tape like a real man. So you know I got those pics.

And hoo. That’s the week. But since tomorrow is the 18th…..

WE GOT THE RAFFLE!!!!!!

Maybe you won, probably you didn’t. But WHO KNOWS???

You can check it out though and find out….

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• My mom – She’s done a whole lot for me, I couldn’t put it all down if I tried. Thanks mom.

The Great British Bake Off

Well, here we go, let’s figure out what’s going down in bean town. We’re still teaching some people, most of them are kids around the age of 10, because they weren’t old enough to get baptized when the rest of their family did, and they just kinda forgot that they weren’t members until we asked them if we could teach their kids. It’s that easy I guess.

But let’s see what other fun stuff happened.

Well, on one of the days, we were in our apartment, just on a phone call with some people, and a storm rolls in. Nothing too crazy, just some rain. But over the course of this call, the rain gets heavier and heavier, and the thunder gets louder and louder. And I was the one talking to the people more, so Elder Horne went over to the door and opened it up, so he could watch the rain fall (because he likes to, I guess). So he’s just standing outside the door, and then suddenly, this massive flash of light blasts through the air, and the thunder just about shook the apartment. Then we hear car alarms blaring in the parking lot right next to us. This bolt of lightning just came in for a good lil’ high five with the ground near our apartment, and it set some car alarms off, it was wild. And of course, Elder Horne just makes a mad dash back inside, as my Vietnam flashbacks start running through my mind again. But man, it was something to behold.

Alright, here’s a moment that represents the pure and blissful grace of God quite well. So I was just eating Oreos in milk, because what’s milk’s favorite cookie, without milk? And I’m trying to get as much milk around this Oreo as I can, without just sticking my hand in the milk. But then the unthinkable happens. I drop the Oreo in the milk. Pure terror raptured my entire being, as my mind cascaded into psychological withdrawal. But in an act of valiant desperation, I plunged my fingers into the milk, and unlike the claw machines at carnivals, I actually got it, and pulled it victoriously from the milk. Oh blessed day, my cookie was recovered from the milky depths of that cup. I felt triumphant. I felt like a champion. Then Elder Horne said it was nasty that I stuck my fingers in milk, and I told him to shut up, because my recovery of that Oreo was gonna be more of an accomplishment than anything he would ever achieve in his entire, pitiful existence. It was a good time.

Then on a phone call with some other missionaries, this one dude (Elder Fillmore) was telling me about this bread recipe that he got that makes the “best bread”. But I told him that I can, as they say in the business, THROW DOWN when making cookies, and he was like, “We’ll have to have a bake off to settle this.” And we called it “The Great British Bake Off.” So we had this meeting coming up where we would be seeing each other, and we would both just bring our delicacies and compare them. Now, his first mistake was that he thought pure bread would best chocolate chip cookies. Fact of life: Bread cannot best chocolate chip cookies. Common knowledge. Then his second mistake was that he forgot I could, as they say in the business, THROW DOWN when making cookies. And I was going to show him exactly how hard I could THROW DOWN with these chocolate chip cookies. You know, that’s what they say in the business at least. So I show up, got these cookies I made ready, and Elder Fillmore walks in with nothing. So I confront this muppet of a man, and he’s like, “Nah nah nah, I got it in the car, I’m gonna do this big reveal at the end of the meeting.” So I’m just like, “Aight.” Then cut to the end, he’s like, “I’m gonna go get the bread.” Which is funny, because that’s the same thing I say every morning I wake up. But he returns with no bread. He actually returns with Tupperware filled with Oreos, as he explains that the yeast he used was super expired, and it turned out to be unintentional pita bread. So they bought Oreos. And that was it. And luckily, the group decision was that my homemade cookies beat his Oreos. I single handedly created cookies that beat out a multi BILLION dollar company. Just sayin.

But yeah, it was a groovy week, things are going good, life is cruising forward, it’s great. Thanks for reading this folks, have a great week.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Kenny – My man Kenny is getting a shoutout. He hasn’t emailed me in like, three months, but that’s ok, he’s still a real champ. Even if he flakes out on me like this >:(

Going Full Grandma on a Fella

Well, we’re still out here working it. I don’t really know what exciting things happened this week, but let’s friggity find out.

…

I just friggity found out that nothing exciting really happened this week. Like, we are just doing regular missionary work and nobody is being crazy, it sucks.

I guess something that happened is that we went over and had a lesson with some people we’re teaching, and this lady just went full grandma mode on us. Now, for the uneducated, full grandma is when someone, usually an old lady, just gives you SO many snacks that you physically can’t carry all of it with your two hands. We were given water bottles, cans of soda, bags of popcorn, freakin ORANGES, everything a man could need. Then we just hauled our spoils to our car, and it was one of those moments where you only have a single finger at your disposal whilst opening the car door, so are just barely able to get the door open without losing your finger and dropping 14 metric tons of perishable goodness onto the ground. But we made it.

Hmmmm, let’s see… That’s kinda it actually. We’re still cranking out the work, doing that good stuff, but nothing super noteworthy.

Well dang folks, I’m sorry we really got nothing else for you this week. If next week is as dull an email as this one, I’ll think of some fire story from my past. But right now I’m low on time, so I gotta wrap this up like it’s Christmas. Thanks to all the real ones that read my emails, stay frosty.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Ethan – My boy Ethan is back. He’s chilling back in Colorado, getting through school. He’s probably barely scraping through life by the skin of his teeth because he’s such a bumbling goof, but he’s still a real homie. Keep killing it my guy.
• Eliza – My man Eliza, she’s sick. And now home from the mission. But not because of Corona. She finished 18 months, and is doing literally who knows what in New Mexico. No idea how the US ran out of names for states and just made another Mexico, that’s wild. But she’s great, and was one of the best leaders in my mission.
• Austin – My guy Austin is going out on his mission now too. Supposed to be going to Chile pretty soon, he’s just waiting in another state, doing work over there until he can skedaddle down to South America. He’s a great guy though, and also continuing the tradition of having LITERALLY EVERYONE from my stake at home go on missions to foreign countries EXCEPT for me. It’s fun. They’re all gonna be speaking German and Spanish, Portugese and Samoan, all that jazz, and I’ll just be over here saying “y’all”, except I’m still refusing to introduce that abominable word into my vocabulary. So they’re gonna be bringing home foreign languages and accents, and the only thing I’ll be taking back with me is 40 pounds of pure body fat hoo rah.

Pics:

• I balanced some things on a few other things