Month: October 2019

October 28, 2019

The Slammening

We’re just gonna pick up where the last email ended, on that fateful P-day. We didn’t know we would experience so much loss just hours later. So after we finished emails, I went to the gym and we all watched a mission-approved movie and played some fun games. This leads to the first loss: the loss of my right shoulder.

So we played a game called pod ball which I’m not gonna explain right now, but basically, I was going for the ball, Sister Hartman was going for the ball, and Elder Harrison was going for the ball. Now, Elder Harrison is not the smallest of people, and when he gets running, there are few things that can stop him. And in this case, the ball bounces over by the wall, I’m going for it, parallel to the wall, running towards Sister Hartman. And Elder Harrison was coming dead at the wall. So I get to the ball, look to my left, and see my imminent demise, charging at me with the force of 10 freight trains. Sister Hartman did the smart thing and bailed out of what I have deemed “The Slammening.” So she made it out without an ER trip which is good, but meanwhile I was being turned into a HUMAN ACCORDION all Looney Tunes style. Imagine an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object, with me in the middle. That’s what it felt like. So then my shoulder felt like it was broken for about, well, it still hurts, just not as much.

Then on this same day, we lost even more. We were doing exchanges up in Wichita Falls, TX, because it’s in our mission for some reason. But we pack up for the next day, throw our bikes on the back, and make way. It’s dark out and as we’re pulling into the city, Elder Marler makes the joke, “Imagine if one of the bikes fell off.” And Elder Spillman looks back, looks at us, looks back, and then back to us. “My bike’s gone.” And I’m in the front seat like, “Oh funny funny Elder Spillman, you got us good.” But then he’s like, “No. SERIOUSLY, my bike is gone.” So as it turns out, his bike was somewhere on the road from where we came from. We still don’t know what to do, but he’s got a loaner bike right now, and we’re trying to get him a real bike. But we got up there and chilled at Elder Su’esu’e and Elder Martineau’s house. The next day we did exchanges and Elder Spillman, Elder Su’esu’e and I went out together, and Elder Marler and Elder Martinaeu went out together. Now, Elder Su’esu’e is about exactly what you think when you hear his name, a 6-foot Samoan missionary with huge muscles. Might be related to the Rock. But yeah, we went out and had a good time with him, which leads into the next story.

We were tracting together and this truck drives up to us, there are these two ladies in there and they’re just like, “Hey you guys! We’re having this fish grilling party over in this back yard, we got a ton a fish, a ton of beer, a ton of whiskey, we’re grillin a turtle…” And we were just kinda like, “Ayo hold up. You’re GRILLING a TURTLE??” but we told ’em we would think about it. I personally wanted to hit that place up, try some turtle, and start spreading the good word because if anyone needed to hear about Jesus, it would be the turtle grillers. But we didn’t return. Then we drove back that night and went to bed at like 11.

Now this next story sheds some light on why I believe Elder Marler is actually the most powerful person on this mission. So we were getting a ride home from the sisters, and there was this little dot on the ceiling of the car, and Hermana Salazar asks, “Is that a spider?” And Elder Marler is just like, “Yeah.” And goes towards it with his hand. He pokes it and it falls DIRECTLY onto Sister Benesch, who starts asking, “Where’s the spider?? WHERE’S THE SPIDER?!” To which Elder Marler replies by simply getting out of the car, grabbing his bag and walking towards the house. When the sisters call out in anguish to him about why he did that, he just states, without turning back, “I gotta go.” And I was just struck in this dumbfounded awe, as I watch this man’s raw power exceed mortal limits. And Elder Marler leads into the NEXT story.

So we went to our ward’s Fall Festival, which is just a Halloween-like party. But we ended up having to hand out candy as the kids came around and took it from us. So near the end, I only had 2 pieces of gum left, so I took them out of the bag, and threw the empty bag at Elder Marler. Then this little girl came up and asked for a piece of gum, to which Elder Marler had to reply, “I’m sorry I don’t have any gum.” And she just went straight for his bloodline and said, “You’re a big meanie.” And walked away. Elder Spillman and I tried to comfort him about the loss of his will to live. When he found out I still had pieces of gum, he SNATCHED a piece from me and went on his quest of redemption. After we concluded the manhunt, and had found this little girl, he attempted round two and offered her the piece of gum, asking, “Am I still mean?” And this savage little girl stares into his soul and just says, “Yes.” And then kicks out. Sweet glory, pray for our brother, for he has died a thousand deaths. Now, cut to Sunday, when Elder Marler had me make cookies for him to give out. He had a few left and he sees the same little girl, chilling in the foyer. So he goes for redemption: round three. And offers an entire group of kids there cookies. ALL OF THEM TAKE ONE EXCEPT FOR THAT SAME GIRL WHO SHUTS MY MAN DOWN LIKE A BLOWN OUT POWER GRID. He says he gives up, but sees her 15 minutes later in the parking lot and you know, he tries his round four approach, asking her if she’s sure she doesn’t want a cookie. And as we know, history repeats itself, and he gets TURNED DOWN LIKE A BOOMBOX VOLUME KNOB AFTER ENTERING A FUNERAL BY ACCIDENT. Elder Marler is either more powerful than the combined manpower of the entire US military, or he has absolutely nothing left but the shards of his shattered ego.

Now this is kinda a side note, but I’ve been lifting this 20 pound dumbbell every chance I get at home. So I’m just sorta living in a constant state of bicep soreness, and it hit me that, if I keep this up for the rest of my mission, I’ll actually get some muscles, but I will spend the rest of my mission with sore arms. Which I’m good with, so long as I actually get some guns.

Other than these crazy times, we’ve been having a lot of fun and success on the mission. We’re teaching people, trying to find more, and have two people that are gonna get baptized! All these blessings are making my life easier. And if anyone reading this didn’t catch that I was moving, I am. This Friday. So don’t send stuff to the address I put in an older email. Thanks for all the support and I’ll be sure to try and make these emails at least bearable to read through.

Over and Out

October 21, 2019

Dr. Spillman, the Mad Chemist

Heyo! It’s been a more eventful week this time, and I hope I don’t put you all to sleep with my bore-tastic emails. That’s a made-up word but spellcheck doesn’t stop me. Then again, it never did. Anywho, this past week has been a grand ol’ time. We spend almost every day meeting new people in the church, meeting with and teaching people that are interested, and tracting houses.

An important thing that I need to bring up is that in Oklahoma, there are Okie-talkers. Okie-talkers are people from Oklahoma that, to put it nicely, DON’T SHUT UP. Straight up they will just ramble on and on and on, making sure that for the majority of the conversation, they are talking. It’s a literal struggle to interject anything. You have to basically wait like you’re having an old West duel at high noon. The MILLISECOND they give you a gap, you just gotta shoot for it. 9 times outta 10 they don’t give 2 hoots that you want to communicate, and will just keep talking, but sometimes, the heavens will part and angels will come down and just clamp their flapping lips shut long enough to teach them another 3% of the lesson. Luckily not everyone is like that, and fall into some level of Okie-talk that is below that. But still, you will ask people questions about what they think of what we just taught them and then it’s like a time warp and we end up with someone telling us how he once accidentally adopted a flock of doves. It’s a wild place here.

Another great thing is the wind. There are no mountains, and I’m pretty sure this is the birthplace of all flat-Earth theorists out there. There is nothing as far as the eye can see. And that’s where the wind comes in. Have you ever had to pedal harder, just so you can go DOWNHILL? Well, we get to do that, EVERY SINGLE DAY YEEHAW. But then there are times when you just evolve into a human kite because the wind is rocketing you across the cosmos.

There are also people here that we call “Bible Bashers” and they have no intention of listening to your message and do all they can to try to put you down and prove you wrong. It’s like arguing with a 6-year-old. They say something that doesn’t make sense, out of context, and then refuse to listen to the explanation. But yeah, so I got bashed and that was a fun time. Won’t be the last time, either.

Also, Oklahoma people here are like, all ex-military. We were getting a ride from this 80-something-year-old veteran and he just casually brings up being a special ops agent. Like. Bruh?? Then the times he almost missed the helicopter out of enemy territory and would’ve been tortured for information. Also was a prisoner of war for 7 years. And then goes on to say how hard missionary work is. And we’re just like, “Homie, you straight nearly died on a DAILY BASIS; missionary work looks like planting roses next to that. Sure there are hard times, but we’re not about to die in those hard times.”

But that leads into my next story, where we were getting dinner with this cool member in the ward. We ask him what he does, and by the end we had learned he was an ex-military nurse hypnotist engineer. But anywho, we’re sitting there and Elder Marler and I are on one side and he’s doinking around and dipping his straw in ranch, and then wiping the ranch off on the ice cubes in his cup. And then, Elder Spillman got a bloody nose. He gets them quite a lot, which really sucks for him, but nothing too far out of the ordinary. So naturally, the nurse guy was like, “Take this napkin, get it wet, and put it up your nose.” UNFORTUNATELY for Elder Spillman, he chose to dip his napkin in the glass of water that HAD THE RANCH. So Elder Marler and I are just chilling in our front row seats of the show, watching Elder Spillman rubbing his napkin in ranch and water. And then once he got it all ranched up, he proceeds to SHOVE THE RANCH NAPKIN ROIGHT UP HIS SNIFFER! To this day he doesn’t know that was what happened.

Then this other time we were biking around and Elder Spillman got another bloody nose, so we go to this rando house and knock on the door. This big guy wearing shades answers the door, and just asks, “You guys got my food?” And of course we’re like, “Not quite, we’re just looking for some napkins or something to help his bloody nose.” And then his response after he JUST heard us say that is, “Yeah you can just bring it in and put it on the counter.” So we have to run the facts by him AGAIN so he understands that the three guys wearing white shirts and ties aren’t delivering his pizza. This guy was either a blind and partially deaf old man, or HIGH AS A KITE. And we still don’t know which one it is. But he did give us paper towels, which was very generous.

Now I’ll only include one more story because this email is getting LANKY. So this story starts out like any mission story from any Elder does, with one of their companions finding a rusty machete. Elder Spillman had found this serial killer lookin’ blade THING out in the fire pit at our house, and brought it inside. He didn’t like that it looked so ghetto, so he decided to clean off the rust and make it a new handle. The handle was basically wrapping medical tape around it, and it turned out not too bad, but then it came time to clean the blade. Elder Spillman likes blades and knows quite a bit about them, but when it comes to cleaning them, he is, shall we say, lacking. So he announces that he’s gonna clean it and goes to find stuff in the garage. I see him come back through, arms full, and hurry into the bathroom. I was half paying attention because I was writing in my journal at the time, but from what I glimpsed, I saw bleach, Tide laundry detergent, and lighter fluid. But when I see my companion enter a small, enclosed space (like a bathroom) with two of the three ingredients to make mustard gas, you kinda start to worry. So I sneak a peek as to what he’s making in there, and I look in and see him with a sliced-open hand warmer packet in his hand. I ask him if he actually KNOWS how to clean a rusty blade, and he’s just got the power of optimism, bravery, and stupidity on his side as he admits to never having done this before in his life. So I just leave, because I’m writing in my journal already, and I’m not gonna stop him, so I might as well just start on my will that same night. But 30 seconds after Alfred Nobel has started the concoction of catastrophe, it started to smell like someone was smoking exhaust pipe fumes. So I’m just like, “Yeah, no.” And booked it outta there while wishing Elder Spillman the best of luck. After a good two minutes of journal writing, he emerges from his laboratory, with his various chemicals, simply returning them to the garage. He goes back and closes the door and takes a seat on his bed, going about business as usual. When I ask how well it works, he just said it didn’t and we accepted that as truth and didn’t go back into that room until the next day.

I don’t know if I talked about this, but our toilet will just, SCREAM for 30 seconds after you flush it all Moaning Myrtle style.

Shoot golly, this email is really long, sorry for that, but thanks for all the support, and I’ll be moving soon, so don’t send me any packages. I hope you guys all have a great time doing whatever it is that you’re doing, and I’ll keep doing what I do.

Over and Out

October 14, 2019

The Dynamic Trio

Yes, I am indeed in a trio. So instead of 1 companion, I get 2! Whoop to the dee do! And it’s actually quite a whoop-able moment because Elder Marler and Elder Spillman are both really awesome.

Elder Spillman:

Gets slices of turkey stuck on top of the room fan
Sings Disney songs in the shower
Practiceshis old competitivedances
Plays the bass ukulele, which is like a regular ukulele but with strings that are STUPID thick
Used to have mutton chops
Legit looks like Agent Coulson from Marvel movies

Elder Marler:

This man lives and thrives off willpower
Has some of the GNARLIEST quotes I’ve ever heard
He freakin says “Hot dawg” unironically
His voice is like a combination of Kronk and an 80-year-old sports announcer
Watches the same TV shows I did

They’re seriously awesome and I’m glad they’re my companions. Now that that’s outta the way, let’s talk about my week. As far as my usual weeks go, it was pretty dull. I’ll start with landing in Oklahoma, where we met the mission president. He’s old but acts pretty young. So then we loaded up bags and went to the mission home. Signed a wall with all the other OOCM missionaries. (Oklahoma, Oklahoma City Mission) The name is just a waste of time to try and say, so we shorten it to that. Slept there, the day was just blegh.

But then tomorrow, we got up and went to the church. Listened to president talk and then we went to the gym and got our companions. Drove for an hour and a half to the place we’re serving: Lawton 2: Electric Boogaloo. Minus the electric and boogaloo parts. Out of the three of us, nobody had served in Lawton, so we had no clue what we were getting into. We spent the first two days getting through meetings and getting the stuff we needed, and then we met with some people in the ward and tracted a few houses. Tracting is where you just go up and knock on the door and talk to them about the church. Had dinner with some people from the church, and just did some work. Served at this military base called Fort Sill, where we made the troops there breakfast and stuff. The fun stuff only really happens when the three of us can do what we want. And now we talk about the fun stuff.

Up to this point in the email it hasn’t been as interesting as I was hoping it would be, but let’s try and fix that right now o’clock.

So, when we first got to the house, we saw that the missionaries that used to live there left us some stuff. So it became a full on gladiatorial arena, with every man for himself. There was blood, sweat, tears, and pain. Friendships made and alliances broken. After the chaos died down, we each had our own bounties. I had managed to snag the best of the best, which was a pillow, a suit coat, my “Let’s get nauti” shirt, some Christmas mints, Nerf guns and an hourglass. Except it measures in 30 minute increments. Yes I’m taking that with me everywhere I go on my mission. And then we get to the best thing I commandeered in this old shack we live at. So, we saw that the old elders that used to live here threw out some bedding stuff on the top of the trash, and when we were taking beds, I realized I only had sheets for my bed. So I was like, “Yo. I bet you they threw out a blanket. And I’m gonna take that blanket.” And thus we ventured out to the trash can and made like raccoons. And in our efforts, we were rewarded. So, much like King Arthur, I pulled my newfound “Dumpster Blanket” straight outta the trash can triumphantly. Then we made like ER paramedics and rushed that thing to the washing machine. We had about 5 cups of laundry juice left over from the other elders that lived there, so I WATERBOARDED my blanket with every drop I could get outta that thing. Kicked the washer into MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE and just prayed that it could not have 387 different diseases on it. Moved it to the dryer and could HEAR that poor thing just WEEPING as it spun the cloth of catastrophe in it. But yeah, it ended up coming out squeaky clean. It’s like Mjolnir, you have to be worthy in order to not die while sleeping in it. But it is actually clean and it was on TOP of the sheets in the trash. So it was most likely in there for half a day, although I still washed it like I needed to purge devils out of it.

Then another time we were walking back to catch a ride from the sisters in our district and this guy smoking in the front of his house came up to us. So one thing lead to another and… we ended up grabbing hands in a circle as he cried whilst Elder Marler read his Bible notes. Fun times were had by all.

Some other stuff that happened was: Getting Mardi Gras necklaces from this old lady in our ward, my bike tire popping on day 2, me having to purge these goons all Terminator 2 style with my Nerf gun, and getting Elder Marler a pink and white unicorn pillow that says “Believe”.

This email is getting long and I don’t have much to talk about anymore. Sorry it wasn’t as exciting as other ones, but hopefully we can get some crazy things to happen this next week. Also, I can no longer read emails throughout the week, so I have to cram all the reading and writing into Mondays. Thanks for the emails guys, and I’ll try to be more exciting.

Over and Out

Elder Marler:

Elder Spillman:

The pillow:

My hourglass:

My bed and dumpster blanket:

The necklaces:

October 8, 2019

Killin’ Time

We’re now waiting for our flight to OK City and we’ve got nothing to really do. Better add some spice to all y’alls boring lives. (Another joke, again, don’t get mad at me!) I’ll probably tell you about things I forgot to in the past emails. But that’ll be after I talk about the trek of getting here.

Let’s start with GETTING UP AT 3:30 AM. Which was, as the kids say, a doozy. So we trudged out of bed, grabbed our things, and made it to the checkout. Eventually boarded a bus and then got to a train station. Took the train to another, smaller train, and then we were at the airport.

I was sitting across from these two sisters on the first train and they were cool, but one saw my last name and asked, “Do you happen to know a Zach Schroeder?” And I’m just like, “Well of course I know him, he’s me.” But I was spooked when she just GUESSED my first name.

As far as stories go, let’s just go right ahead and expose Elder Archer for the thriving chaos he left with me. I’ll explain. Elder Archer was being himself, and talking in his sophisticated voice and was saying, “You know, I’ve got quite the 5 o’clock shadow” as he strokes his chin real slow like. And I just respond with, “That’s neat buckaroo” But THEN this fool is like, “Want to feel it?” And GRABS MY FACE AS IF WE’RE ABOUT TO EXCHANGE KISSES and proceeds to AGGRESSIVELY RUB HIS TINY FACE HAIRS ON MY POOR UNSHELTERED CHEEK. Weeks of therapy, and I probably still won’t recover. Now when someone brings up 5 o’clock shadows I’m gonna flinch. But ya know what Elder Archer, at least you replaced that hint of fear with traumatic, lifelong terror. More power to ya. Actually if he had any more power you would probably quake in his presence.

And if we’re exposing people we GOTTA talk about what Sister Jones does. You may think a refreshing beverage is something like a glass of ice water with not one, but two lemons, but not Sister Jones. THIS PSYCHOPATH DRINKS THE UNHOLY ELIXIR THAT IS SODA WATER. Ya know, the mixture that consists of carbonation, water, and probably THE SWEAT RIGHT OFF SATAN’S BACK. It is NASTY. You’ve probably tried it if you’ve ever gotten Sprite and you take a swig but it doesn’t taste right, and it ends up making your soul run laps around your body. But of course, I am a man of raw strength. So it inevitably came down to me having to taste this for myself, ya know, to keep me living in CONSTANT PAIN. Because that’s how you grow as a person. So I fill up the paper cup with the bane of all taste bud happiness, and journey back to the table. I inform Sister Allen that I will, and I quote, “Make no facial expression at all” And remember, I end up making faces when I just talk. So as I bring the clear beverage of horror to my quaking lips, I can hear every guardian angel in a four-block radius begging me to stop as the grim reaper just rests his hand on my shoulder and I

Begin
To
Drink.

I simultaneously feel all 7 stages of grief in a matter of milliseconds and I just keep on drinking. By the time I had transported this carbonated vinegar to my stomach, I turn to Sister Allen, and like a kid on Christmas, my eyes begin to tear. “Why Santy Claus, why?” echo the words of regret in my head as I suck those tears back into my skull. There is no place for weakness at the MTC. I was fool for believing that I could take on the burden of pain that is soda water. But shout out to Sister Jones, who can somehow get joy out of that. And I won’t leave Sister Jones in a questionable light of moral sketchiness. She’s awesome and it’s always a good time to poke fun at her. Keep sneezing on, my sniffly friend.

That’s gonna be all for now. I’ll email next week with more of my dull, uneventful life. As always, thanks for the support and I’ll keep being me.

Over and Out

October 7, 2019

Don’t Tell President Dahl

President Dahl is my district president and technically our P-day is tomorrow, but I’m leaving at 4:30am so I’m gonna write my email today.

Shoot, what happened this week. Everything was the same as usual but as for the interesting things, we had Elder Spens become the VOLLEYBALL TERMINATOR when he almost took Sister Richardson’s head clean off. Twice. And then he also just SAILED the ball into this poor Sister at volleyball.

Then on P-day last time, we forgot Elder Farley’s laundry until around 9:30, and I eventually coaxed him into sprinting there barefoot with me.

Ah and of course, for those of you who are not aware, Sister Jones has these “sneeze attacks”, where she sneezes a bunch of times in a row. She once had a run of 25 sneezes. In a row. And ladies and gentlemen, I am INVIGORATED to share that on Thursday, October 3rd, 2019, Sister Brooklynn Jones graced us with 27 CONSECUTIVE SNEEZES!! A monumental moment in history and one we soon won’t forget. Godspeed Sister Jones, godspeed.

In the MTC they have this record board with all the records on it, and Elder Horner has been working on beating it. It’s 125 push-ups without dropping, and Elder Horner went for it. 111 is where that titan of a man had to bend his knee to gravity. A valiant effort, my brother.

Then Sister Jones sucker punched Sister Garlick smack dead in the thinker. She needs to stop with all the physical altercations.

General Conference was Saturday and Sunday and they made us all sit in the bleacher seats in the gym, and if you’ve ever been stuck in one of those abominations that shouldn’t even be called chairs for 2 hours, you can catch a glimpse of what it’s like to be paralyzed from the waist down. Spiritually filling, but physically draining. Also on Sunday we foolishly thought they would have sack breakfast like every other day in the week, but alas, we did not prevail. So we just didn’t eat breakfast really. We scavenged for snacks in our room, but they weren’t really good.

We’re gonna circle back to the bleachers because whatever ENLIGHTENED MIND designed those things put 7 ROW SEATS, ALL UP AND DOWN THAT HUNK OF FUN. And for those that aren’t aware, 95% of the time you are a COMPANIONSHIP so there’s TWO of you sitting together. 7 seat rows? Sweet goodness. But anywho, the 6 sisters were in one row and the 7 other elders in another. Just the right number for our district, happy day. So I drop a seat next to Sister Jones and the entourage of sisters and wait until we get started. Then this guy whose sole job is making sure seats are all being filled is like, “Elder, where’s your companion?” And he speaks as if he is gonna die at any moment, where the words are like, drooling out of his gaping jaw. And it’s one of those questions that you already know is gonna lead to a lecture, but I play that old man’s silly games and point to Elder Farley a few seats down on the row behind me as I’m like, “Right there”. Then ya know, he leans in a bit closer, to really let me taste that ham and cheese he had for lunch, and says, “You should probably find a different seat so you can sit with your companion. There are some empty ones on the other side of the gym so you two can sit there in a stony silence as you get to watch the rest of your district have a fun time getting spiritually enlightened and all you get to do is weep in your sorrow for trying to sit with your friends, you oaf.” Not exactly like that, but the seats were a good saunter away from where we were. Then he left and we did exactly what you’d expect me to do: ignore him entirely. Well, not really. Farley sat behind me so then I was at least within slapping distance from him, and we called it good. Then ANOTHER guy came by, who asked the same passive-aggressive question as to the whereabouts of my companion. So I point DIRECTLY behind me to Elder Farley, who gives a little wave. Then he’s like, “You should sit next to your companion, because it looks like you’re on a date with her, and we wouldn’t want that now, would we” while pointing at Sister Jones, who busts out laughing. Took a little emotional damage, but I’m just like, “No we wouldn’t”. So we finally shuffleboard around so that it’s 3 elders and 4 sisters in one row, and 2 sisters and 5 elders in the other. Fun times. But listening was good and got quite a lot out of it.

We’ve all been saying goodbye to our district because half of them are leaving today. So it’s a rough time.

Thanks again to everyone that has been emailing me and giving me that DRIVE to keep up the work. I’ll email next week with how the mission field is.

Over and Out

October 1, 2019

Meet the Gang

This week has also been a blast. We have our district of 14 people: 8 elders and 6 sisters. I’ll include stories but other than that, not much has really happened out of the ordinary. It’s really just: wake up, exercise, shower, study, lunch, class, TRC, dinner, class, bed. 3 hours of studying and 6 hours of classes. Luckily our class teachers are radical. Sister Rogers is like 5 foot nothing but she’s really sweet and is all “you guys are gonna be such great missionaries” and then our other teacher, Brother Draper, is like the most hyper man on the face of the planet. Imagine a living energy drink with the drive to share the gospel. Despite him having NEVER had caffeine. Ever. I always just thought that man chugged a thing of Red Bull, crushed the can against his head, and stormed the classroom like a D-Day beach. But I guess he’s just always got absurd energy. They’re both spiritual and it’s really awesome– I couldn’t ask for better teachers.

But rather than rant about how Sister Rogers is low key in a gang and Brother Draper performs LITERAL MIRACLES in class, I wanted to focus on my district. We’ve all grown really close and honestly, they get me through the day. I don’t know which one of these clowns has the picture with all of us in it, but it’s like 8:30 right now, so if I can, I’ll send a follow up email with all the people in our district. Let’s get to it:

Elder Miller: Our district leader and a really great guy. He’s laid back and he lets us do fun stuff when we have time to kill in class. He makes sure everyone is heard and cared for. He said, and I quote, “I got that grandma vibe”. And he really does. Like he squeezed Elder Blades’ cheeks the other day (that man has the stretchiest cheeks I’ve ever seen), but it’s also because he cares about all of us. Even though we roast the ever living snot outta him at every possible moment.

Elder Blades: My theory for him is the MTC gave him PTSD and he developed bipolar from it. Like he seriously is either making gorilla sounds while slamming the basketball into the ground with his head, or he’s telling us that we really need to focus and he can’t concentrate. In either mode, he’s really cool and actually hilarious. He says something random, but 9 times outta 10, it just KILLS me. I would give examples but they gotta have his signature wide-eye monotone expression with them. He’s great.

Elder Farley: You’ve heard of him before, but I’ll talk about him anyway. You can’t stop me. He’s a beatboxing fanatic still, and sometimes randomly talks like Gollum, which is like, seriously terrifying when I’m just about to fall asleep and then the bunk bed demon says something and my heart has to go through relapse in order to get started again. He’s a bit of a nerd, but it’s all good– he’s still a great guy.

Elder Spens: This is a homie. Elder Spens is way cool even though he wears freakin’ cowboy boots on P-day and likes country music, which, I’m still boggled about how human ears can enjoy that horror. But who cares, ‘cuz he can’t listen to it here and I don’t have to hear it. We’re learning hacky sack and I’m not gonna lie, we’re getting better at it. We also work out together every night before bed, which still is leaving both of us six-pack free. He’s a good person to talk to about stuff and is the reason I’ll be working out for the next 2 years.

Elder Archer: A recent convert to the church, but like, he’s way cool. He’s extremely calm under any situation and has become more lax on enforcing the rules like a dictator. But I still love that elder. He’s the guy that is really spiritual, but also makes occasional jokes, that can be a hoot. He’s still really smart and only has a year left in college when he gets back, and I’m gonna miss him in a week.

Elder Horner: He’s the wild one. Straight up. He’s the one that makes pterodactyl noises in the dorm and climbs on the dresser. Story time: It was Wednesday and the new peeps got here. So these 2 poor, innocent souls come walking into their residential building, get to floor 2, still a bit confused and scared and they turn the corner, locking and maintaining eye contact with Elder Horner, who has climbed up the hallway walls by pushing his hands and feet against either side and working his way up. Those poor children. Get these boys some therapy. But he’s still really cool and can be surprisingly spiritual at times.

Elder Birmingham: He’s the opposite of Elder Horner and his unfortunate companion. He is quite quiet and doesn’t really crack jokes, but he’s like Po from Mulan. He’s a real nice guy and you can tell that sometimes he really needs a sanity break. But he’s really great.

Sister Jones: She’s a hoot. She’s really funny and is just great company. She’s keeping a quote book with all the good quotes she hears from us, and refuses to let the elders see it. She’s one of 3 sisters teaching me sign language because they are just, fluent in it for some reason. Super cool and is very friendly and spiritual.

Sister Field: She’s a bit on the quiet side, but she’s also super sweet. The second of the 3 sisters that are teaching me ASL. She is really calm and collected, and just kinda has this aura of peace. Like some type of guru monk. Just a really awesome sister.

Sister Richardson: She’s apparently my 3rd cousin and that’s fun. She’s also the third sister teaching me, so maybe I’ll become fluent in a week. (Not likely) But she’s really funny and almost died yesterday because she started laughing while trying to drink whatever it was that she had in her glass. Another really sweet sister and all in all a great person.

Sister Allen: A straight up bookworm and scriptorian. She knows like 80% of the verses in the Book of Mormon and has probably read half the books mankind has written. She’s really spiritual and helps out all the time with telling us where to find good scriptures we can use. Also really sweet, just like every other sister.

Sister Garlick: She’s really tall and really quiet. But when you talk to her she seems really laid back and stuff. I don’t know all that much about her because she doesn’t open up, but she’s for sure spiritual and cool.

Sister Hansen: She’s really short and really quiet. She doesn’t say all that much, but she loves to smile and laugh. She’s also got that grandma vibe, as well as a spiritual side. Also doesn’t open up much, but she’s great.

Now that this letter is looking like a Star Wars intro, I’ll keep writing because none of you reading this have anything to do with your time besides give me attention. (That’s a joke, please don’t get mad at me) I’m still having the trippiest dreams ever that make no sense but are really fun. My friend Conner wanted me to keep a dream journal, and as dorky as that sounds, that spiral notebook contains basically all the answers of my subconscious. Also learned that Sister Jones has super wack dreams and we ended up spending all of lunch one day talking about them.

Also: at the end of every meal, we all crumple our napkins and try to sink them in other people’s glasses. Elder Miller made the distance shot all the way across the table one time, but I’ve got height. Lemme explain. I was sitting across from Elder Miller at lunch and I just deadstare him right in the eyes. I just hurl the napkin straight up into the air, and after a second and just DRAINS right into his cup. Oh man it was glorious.

Then another day this week I got Froot Loops (sorry Mom, this story will make you weep), but I forgot milk. And I didn’t want to just eat dry ol’ Froot Loops, so I asked Elder Spens if he had some milk. He was like, “I got some Sprite, will that work?” Now….. If you know me…. y’already KNOW where this story is going. So of course I was like “SEND IT” and poured the Sprite into the cereal. Not the worst thing though.

Then on Saturday for exercise time, we went to the field and the grass was wet, so Sister Jones ended up slipping and flailing her arms about, which inevitably found their way right into Elder Miller’s jaw, causing him to bite his lip and start bleeding. Nobody messes with Sister Jones now. Nobody.

But it’s been great here. It might as well be McDonalds, because I’m lovin’ it. Keep sending me emails, and I’ll try to keep being me. Thank you all for the support and I’ll write again in probably 2 weeks, because this next Tuesday will be the day I fly out to Oklahoma, and they probably won’t give me another P-day. Also if any of you have pictures of me, please send them– the rest of the district wants to see what I looked like before I was Elder Schroeder. Thanks again!

Over and Out

And I’ll throw in some pictures I have here:

The district: