The Piano Guys

Alright, let’s start with the great news: It snowed! We got about 3 inches of snow, which are rookie numbers if you ask me, but hey, I’m just glad we have snow. I miss the mountains and climate of the greatest of the 50 states (Colorado), but snow is snow.

We’re trying to teach people here, and the best source we have is Facebook, so that’s what we’re using. You’d be surprised how many people will accept a friend request if you just have mutual friends, so we’re starting conversations with people, and then they leave us on read a lot of the time, but that’s ok, because there are a few that actually talk to us.

The highlight of the week had to be helping this guy move a piano. One of the great things about being a missionary is that if you tell people you’re willing to drive 40 minutes to help them move a piano, they let you! So we drove 40 minutes to this random dude’s apartment and we found the piano outside in the parking lot, and we met the guy. He told us we just had to move this piano around to the other side of the building, and throw it in a storage shed. He told us that this piano was a hundred years old, and it had ivory keys, and mahogany wood, just really selling us on how priceless this glorious instrument was, and why he didn’t want to get rid of it. So we start pushing it, because it had wheels, but my guess would be that those wheels hadn’t been moved in about 40 years, and we just scraped them along the sidewalk, leaving a nice trail behind of our progress. But we got it to the shed, and opened up the door. We managed to get the front half in, and then we shoved the other part in, and turned it and it fit like a glove! At least that’s what I’d like to say.

In fact, this piano rammed into the wall, and there was no way it was going to fit. Well, the guy just said we have to push harder, despite it already boring into the wall. But he started to go, so we joined him, and it just made a hole in the wall. Yikes. This was an apartment-owned shed. And I had gotten behind the piano to try and drag it from the inside, and I was now trapped, surrounded by LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF DEAD SPIDERS.

Yahoo.

But he goes off to get some “tools” to help get this piano in. And I’m looking at Elder Miller like, “The only tools that could get this piano into this shed would be a woodchipper and a chainsaw.” There was no way we were getting this piano in. But we were like, “Yo let’s say a prayer!” Classic missionary move. So we do that, and the guy gets back. He’s got a flathead screwdriver and a hammer: the tools of a master. Or a madman. And he’s eyeballing this piano, looking at where it’s running into the frame, and then he’s like, “Well, I guess the front’s gotta go.” And then he just starts pounding this screwdriver into the front of the piano!! After a good couple minutes of him destroying a priceless artifact, he rips the front end off the piano and we give it another push. Well, we got about another 2 inches into the room, but we had 9 more to go. Progress.

Well, since he didn’t want to deface this piece of American history anymore, he decided that the doorframe was next to go. He slides the screwdriver into the crack in the wood, and just goes to town. Well, that only got us a little bit further. Rinse and repeat that one, with him removing more and more of this door frame, as we shove it into this room and make the hole in the wall bigger. He kept finding more and more property to destroy to try to make this piano fit and at one point was busting the hole in the wall open with his hammer to try and make more space. After an hour and a half of me stuck in 4 square feet of fun, and this man creating property damage so expensive he could pay for my mission, he started to lose hope, and started to gain a more “broad” vocabulary. Well, we had places to be, and we were hoping this would be an in and out experience, but we told him we had to go, and he was pacing around cussing up a storm. So I was just like, “Alright, one more time.” And we all brace ourselves and push with everything we got. AND THROUGH SHEER MIRACLE, THE PIANO ENTERED INTO THE SHED!! Along with the door frame, the sill, and part of the wall. We had gotten this piano in, and I could hear the announcer of that one show going, “SHOW US…. THE HOLE IN THE WALL!!” There really wasn’t much of a door frame on one side of the hole, and this historic artifact had been messed up in the process. But the guy was glad to have the piano in, and I was just glad to be out of that shed. When he surveyed all the damage he had done, he was just like, “I got a friend that can do some wood work, and I’ll have him fix this door up real nice.” And we’re just like, “DAWG IT’S GONNA TAKE A WHOLE NEW DOOR TO FIX THE DAMAGE YOU DID!” We didn’t say that, but we sure were thinking it. That piano and shed were damaged beyond repair, but our prayer was answered. He also said he’d be willing to listen to our message!! So you gotta take what you can get. I can’t do the story justice, but it was a sight to behold. The piano also sounded like it was screaming in pain every time he tried to smash another piece of it off.

Other than that, not too many crazy things happened. I learned I can hide pens in my hair and had one in all throughout a dinner with these people, but other than that, nothing much. The piano was the best I’ve got, and for some reason the pictures aren’t uploading, so we’ll try to get those in next week.

Thanks for reading this (if you did), and have a great week!

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Colorado – Actually the best state out there, from its great weather, to its mountains. It’s also got water that tastes better than all the other water I have ever drinken. And if you didn’t think there was a difference in water taste between states, I can assure you there is. Utah water is practically motor oil in comparison to the nectar of the gods back in Colorado.

Reading: OPTIONAL

So for those who are unaware (which is apparently a lot of you), I asked in my last email for people to respond to my weekly email if they even read it…. There were FIVE responses. Higher than I was expecting. But that is alright; I hold nobody at fault. I’m sure every person on my email list could write me a lengthy essay explaining why they failed to respond with even a semicolon, but I’m quite sure each one of you are far too busy to do such a thing.

So I will just make the email shorter! That way I don’t take up too much of everyone’s day.

• I ate an entire potato raw (I’d get into details, but it would take a bit to explain all that).
• Using 102 pictures of Jesus Christ, I created a card temple (I don’t think you need any more information).
• I shook an open bottle of lemonade, which I thought was closed, and plastered the walls, floor and ceiling with lemonade. Scholars classified it as a “Sticky Situation”.
• Put our massive glass goblet that looks like the Holy Grail in the sink and set it up as a booby trap, and in order to test its effectiveness, used it on myself. An unqualified success.
• Found out I’m staying in Woodward for another 6 weeks with my guy Elder Miller. He’s cool so it’ll be a good time.

Hopefully I didn’t take up too much of your day, I’m sure each and every person reading this is just about up to their nostrils in work, so if you happen to read this, thanks! If not, I harbor no grudges. But we still have the 18th this week (technically) sooooo….

THE RAFFLE:

Anyways, maybe we’ll get to write some more on next week’s email, but we’ll see what happens.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Nathan – My guy Nathan responded to my email and it was a pleasure to hear from him. He’s about 8 feet tall, and we call him the “White Shadow.” A good man through and through.

Pics:

• The fiendish booby trap that I set and played upon myself
• The card temple

Finessing Old People

Well, we’re still working out here in Woodward. Things are pretty groovy… we’re living it up. Not too much to do, but we’re finding things and getting more people to listen to us.

Now on to the events of the week:

I got hit in the eye with a tree branch. No cap. Basically, we were doing some service, and I was trimming these low-hanging tree branches, and when I clipped one of them, it dove like a hawk, and finessed right past my glasses, and nailed me right in the eye. It was a wild time, but I don’t blame the trees. I was literally chopping off their arms, Ammon style.

Now this next story begins with a rumor I heard near the beginning of my mission. Since the church owns the cars we drive, everyone who drives has to watch these videos and stuff about how to not be a stupid driver, and you get a card that you have to log in to your vehicle with. And I was told by some guys in the mission when I first got my card that if you ever went over 90mph, they instantly took away your driving card, and you don’t get to drive for the rest of your mission. Now, I assumed that was an easy thing. Not so. We were zooming down the highway, going 75, and we’re behind this semi in a two-lane road, with the yellow stripes where you can cross into the oncoming traffic lane to zoom past grandmas. Well, semi boy was actually semi grandma, and we were gonna pass him. So I poke out, and see that there aren’t cars coming for a bit. So I hopscotch into the lane and start going. The thing is, I didn’t punch it as hard as I should’ve, and those cars were coming a bit faster than I wanted them to. But I was already committed. I couldn’t back down now. So I literally went pedal to the metal, and we shot ahead of the semi and got back in our lane, with seconds to spare. Then I looked at the speedometer, and we were going 94.

Oop.

So I had to explain all of that to Elder Miller, how I’m pretty much condemned to a fate worse than death with that one stunt right there. But it’s now been 4 days since then, and we haven’t gotten anything from any of the big cheeses… So I’m believing more and more that it was an old wives’ tale that if you break 90 you never get to drive again. But if that changes this week, you’ll find out on the next email.

So we have this chess set in our apartment, and we’ll play that sometimes for lunch. But after a little bit, we realized that chess is a children’s game in its current state, so we had to vamp it up to our intellectual level by making minor adjustments to the rules of pawns. We tried having all the pawns act like knights, then like rooks, and then we just started thinking of any other movement pattern they could follow, and played it out. It actually makes the game go by a lot faster when every other move gets rid of someone’s piece.

Then this one time, we were at this family’s house, and I remember hearing their last name being Ramirez or Sanchez, but when the dad goes to get everyone, I quickly ask Elder Miller what their name was, but he’s actually no help at all because he just tells me the dad’s first name. Great. But then they’re all back in the room, and I decide to just send it and ask. So I’m like, “Is your last name Ramirez or Sanchez?” and the dad’s like, “It’s Castro…”

Oop.

So that was riveting. I’d love to live that one over and over again. But I’ll never forget their name now, so there’s that.

I also caught a fly with my bare hands, which made me feel like the pinnacle of the food chain, so that was cool.

Then we were having our SECOND DINNER OF THE TRANSFER, and we went to their house, and he had some breakfast for dinner, truly an ageless classic. But I pound down two big pancakes, and some eggs and sausage, and feel nicely fed. Then of course since they’re old, they insist I have more to eat. So I decide to grab a sausage, and manage to get that down. NOW, I have been stuffed to the brim. But old people are vicious. And the guy insists that I have another pancake. So I slide it onto my plate, and prepare to die. But I have my guy Elder Miller right next to me, and I concoct a recipe for success. I cut the pancake in half, and slowly start on one of the halves. Then, I kick Elder Miller in the shin. I had to get his attention. Then, using only my eyes, I look at the pancake half I’m not eating, look at his plate then look straight at him, desperately trying to convey the message of: HELP ME. Well, dinner goes on for another minute or two, and I’m still working on my pancake, but both old people look down at their food at the exact same time, and like a coiled viper, Elder Miller strikes. QUICK AS A CHEETAH AND SLY AS A FOX Elder Miller snatches the other pancake half on my plate and pulls it onto his plate, and just starts to cut into it. RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSES!! I was impressed, it was executed flawlessly. Elder Miller saved my life that fateful night, it was glorious.

And that wraps up my week. I know I said I was gonna do THE RAFFLE this week, but the 18th is technically next week, so all of you can learn to exercise patience a little more in your life.

But thanks to the real ones that read these. Out of curiosity, I would like everyone that reads these to email me back something. Anything you want. Whether it be a single word, or just a semicolon. Then my inbox will be POPPING OFF next week when I check all of them. Or I will be seriously disappointed in some people. But what’s new. Anyway, have a good one, catch ya next week.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Bryce – My guy Bryce is gonna be a missionary in SOUTH KOREA!! What a guy! He’s super cool, and he’s gonna kill it over there. He’ll have to learn a WILD language, but that’ll make it so ALL of the friends who are serving missions from my home town are going foreign.

Kricket Killers

Well, it’s gonna be a quick one. So pretty much everyone we’re trying to get in contact with out here isn’t answering us, and the ones that usually do are moving away. So we’re just pushing forward. Still a good time though!

Something fun we did: we found this little book in our apartment about how to fold dollar bills into airplanes. And not like paper airplanes you throw– we’re talking B-22 Stealth Bombers and WW2 fighter planes. And then we kept ’em in our car until we found the next homeless person begging for money, which didn’t take long. So we gave her the COOLEST 2 dollars she’ll ever get.

I think she was more confused than anything when we handed her these professional grade paper planes. She probably wanted more money too, instead of just 2 bucks, but you know what they say, “Beggars can’t be choosers.”

Then we also had to bike to church, since we can’t just drive a car around willy nilly, and I realized that it had been a while since I broke the bike out, so my back tire was outta air. But I didn’t realize that until we were over halfway there. And if you didn’t know this, you will now, if your back tire is practically flat while you’re biking, it slides around on the ground a lot, and you pretty much drift as you take turns. Wild stuff. But then we walked our bikes home at like 8 o’clock that night.

Then on another night, we found the FATTEST cricket of my life, and when we realized it, Elder Miller, without hesitation, grabbed the frisbee we have, and just threw it right at the cricket, TRON style. And somehow, he hit it. Then I went over to finish the job, and was trying to throw this deflated basketball at it, but it was too close to the wall from the time the frisbee knocked it over there. So I had to lay a napkin over him and run him over with the vacuum wheels. Now, I love Nestle crunch, but that was SOMETHING ELSE. It was loud, and it was NASTY. I never want to have to do that again. Good golly.

Then we had this thing called General Conference this weekend, which is where a bunch of the leaders of our church spit straight wisdom to the world, and share really good messages. 10/10, recommend you check it out. But our mission President’s wife asked for all the missionaries to get pictures of how they were watching GC, and with whichever person was speaking. So of course we decided to get a picture with literally everyone that spoke. So that was fun. And then they also showed a picture when talking a little bit about missionaries having to come home from foreign countries because of Coronavirus, and they LITERALLY USED A PICTURE WITH ELDER MILLER IN IT. He was freaking out for the next 20 minutes, it was insane. That’s the closest thing you can get to being famous in the church. It was pretty cool though. He’s also got a rad hat on.

And that’s about it for the week. Thanks for tuning in, and I guess we’re doing ANOTHER RAFFLE next week because time is flying by way too fast down here. Anyways, have a good one guys.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

Elder Miller – This man was on a worldwide broadcast, and the fame hasn’t got to his head. Way to be humble my guy

Pics:

• Since we took pictures with LITERALLY EVERYONE that talked in General Conference, the name is number 26.
• We found a scorpion in the church.