Hail Hydra

So to start my email, I’m gonna to just tell everyone that I can throw down when it comes to baking. I made these brownies in a quote “Bake off” against these other missionaries, and let me just say, they got riggity wrecked. So that was fun.

Let’s see… for my week I’ve been cranking out mostly the same stuff. We’re still calling and texting people, but we can go and try to see if people are home now, so we’ve gone on these manhunts to get in contact with everyone that leaves us on read, which is great because it’s starting to feel like regular missionary work again.

So something that was actually super cool that happened this week was we found this new family that we’re hoping to teach. The story is the cool part though. So we’re on our manhunt, and as we drive into this neighborhood, I wave at this kid on a bike. (I just wave at everyone, and try to get as many waves back as I can) So he waves back, and we continue down the road for a little ways. When we pull over and get out next to the house we were gonna try, we find out that the kid had followed us. So we start saying hi, and he just asks who we work for. I was seriously tempted to just yell, “THE GOOD LORD JESUS, WHY DO YOU ASK??” But I didn’t. And we just told him about being missionaries. Then he just says, “Can you come talk to my mom?” Bro, anyone that’s not a missionary has gotta understand: That doesn’t happen. Like EVER. Someone just instantly asking you to come meet their family is a straight miracle.

So we were like, “For sure, where is she?” And he starts to lead us to their house. Now the problem is, there’s this movie called “The Saratov Approach”, which is about these missionaries that get kidnapped, and this was kinda the same way it all started in the movie… So I was either about to get to teach an entire family, or I was gonna get kidnapped. And as I noted in a previous email, that is apparently very easy to do. But we end up getting to meet the whole family, and talk to them for a bit. They told us they had something difficult just recently happen in their lives, and were wondering if God even existed. So we were like, “Bro, you’re in luck, guess what we do?” And it was awesome. I didn’t say that exactly, but you know what I mean. Then we asked if we could come back and they said they would really like that. Oh man, it was so sick.

Then on another day, I tried putting on as many ties as I possibly could. Hope nobody gets whiplash from that drastic topic shift, but let me explain the whole story. So I started out by just putting on two ties. Nothing crazy– I just overlapped them, and tied it like a normal tie. Then you couldn’t even see the tie underneath, so I was all good. But like meth, one time wasn’t enough. So the question strolled into my mind: “How many ties can I wear at once?” I started just advancing, one tie at a time, getting them fixed up, making sure it worked, and then taking it off and adding another tie. I documented this research, because it’s truly one for the archives of history, and slowly the ties went from 2, to 3, to 4, to 6, and then to 8. I fit 8 ties around the girth of my neck. That’s a word to add to your vocabulary. But I finally called it at 8 because the knot made me feel like a smurf was choking me, and I really wasn’t about that. I also was using some of my less favorite ties, so in case everything suddenly went South, I would have only ruined those ones.

Then this other time while visiting people, I was standing right next to the window, and Elder Horne makes this startled look, looking into the window right behind me. Then I turn to see what all the commotion is about, and less than a foot from my face, was yet another face, with unblinking eyes, peering into my soul. My knees just about buckled, and I had to catch my soul before it made a mad dash for the light. Turns out it was a mannequin, but my question was: “What psychopath places disembodied mannequin heads on the windowsill, facing the front porch??” That wasn’t something I was ready for.

But yeah, that’s what’s been going down in my world, thanks to the real ones out there for reading this all the way through, have a good one.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Naomi: She was a missionary here too, but the curtain’s been called on her time out here. She’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, it’s crazy. I know that some people in Oklahoma like to bash on the missionaries, but I literally can’t imagine anyone being mean to her, she’s rocking.
• Elder Livingston: He’s playing the ukulele while I’m writing this email, and he said he’d like a shoutout. He’s pretty cool, and he’s good at the piano. Cool guy, he’s been out about one more month than me.

Pics:

You can see the progression of me increasing the number of ties I can wear at the same time. And the reason for the names of the pictures are because at some point I told Elder Horne to call me “The Hydra”, because you take off one tie, and two more take its place.

The face that almost killed me:

Forgot to share the pic from the lightbulb incident of last week.

So I was bashing on tie bars, talking about how they’re essentially just glorified paper clips to hold your tie to your shirt. And then I saw a common household item, and went off about how something as simple as this could accomplish the same menial tasks as a “$40 bobby pin”.

Get Outta the Car

We did pretty much the same type of stuff as last week, so don’t get too excited. But we also got some fun stuff mixed in there too.

The missionaries taking over our other area, Forest Ridge, are gonna be staying in a hotel, instead of with us soooo…. sad days.

But anyway, we were cleaning up our apartment because we should, and I finally decided to replace the burned-out lightbulb in our main fan. So I have this dead bulb, and this clean countertop. I’m just spinning it on the counter like a Hanukkah top, because I could, and Elder Horne decides to take a video of it spinning in slow motion. So I ready up, and prepare to let this thing rip. Not a second after he says go, I spin the light bulb SO HARD that it launches off the countertop and shatters all over the hardwood floor like some kind of Beyblade burst. It was both hilarious and tragic, kinda like watching a chubby kid trip. So I just grab Elder Horne’s sandals that are right next to the floor, and start to sweep it all up. The problem was, this was like baby bear’s bed, because it was toooooo small, if you can catch these Goldilocks references I’m throwing. But yeah, we finally got it all swept up, and we even vacuumed the hardwood just in case.

Then, another day, we were driving to the church, and it’s a two-lane road, and in one of the lanes there was just a trash bag filled with trash. So I rammed right into it and– no, I’m just kidding. We drove past it, and I look at Elder Horne in the passenger seat, and ask him, “You ready to be a good citizen today? We’re gonna flip a U-ey and you’re gonna jump outta the car and grab the trash.” And he was just like, “Alright, fine I guess.” So we get back going up the road, and we pass the trash, and I peel right in front of it and slap on my hazards. He’s outta the car, grabbing this gross bag off the road, and throwing it into the back of our car, complaining about how orange peels were falling onto his hands. But we gun it out of there and make it to the church. Then when we get to the dumpster, Elder Horne goes to toss the bag in. Now, as he’s heaving it in, the bag rips open and trash flies through the air, going everywhere. So we then got to pick all of it up.

Then another day, during our little bit of outdoor time, we were throwing a frisbee around, and I decided to do what I did back in my FRISBEE GLORY DAYS, and try to kick it out of the air. That was the power move to do. You’re playing frisbee, and as the frisbee is going to someone on the other team, you literally jump kick it outta the air. Like, Mr. Miyagi style, it’s so cool! And the person that was gonna catch the frisbee is just WRECKED. They have no way to react. But I went to kick the frisbee out of the air when Elder horne threw it to my side, and like a cartoon banana peel slip, my legs swoop up into the air, and I just drop to the ground. But I kicked the frisbee. So it was well worth it. A small price to pay. And then I got my groove back, and I reverted to my mad kicking self once again.

Then, a different day in the week, we were driving, and we see some shape of something on the road, right before a stoplight. So we stop right next to it, and once again, I’m like, “Get outta the car and grab that trash off the road.” And Elder Horne is like, “Oh my nectors.” And he hops out and grabs that too. Turns out it was a neck pillow. So apparently, Oklahoma’s roads are a homeless man’s GOLD MINE, and if anyone reading this is scavenging for roadside treasures, swing by Broken Arrow.

So yeah, it was a pretty good week. Some fun times, for sure. Keep rocking it, everyone that reads these emails. If you let my email build up digital dust in your inboxes, I’m extremely disappointed and betrayed.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Kyer – This man is living life at home right now, waiting to be able to go finish his mission in CANADA. He started in Brazil, and now he’s going to Canada. You ever been called to a foreign mission twice? Well he has. He’s great though, and we’ll be finishing up our missions at right around the same time.

Pics:

• We actually got in the church bus
• Me as a cop

The Power of Boredom

Alright, so we’ve officially hit PHASE 1 of missionary life. Which means we can now eat dinner at people’s houses and have lessons in person, as long as we wear those wretched face masks. Eating is difficult though, because we have to either fit the food through a straw we slide under our masks, or try to strain the food through it, which is a slow process.

But this week was a pretty good one. We got this kid we’re teaching to agree to get baptized, so we’ll figure all that out, but it’ll be good. We’re stoked.

Ok here’s the sauce: So we were recording a video to put on Facebook, and I made a smoothie out of the fruits of the Spirit, ya know, funny funny. And I had to squeeze a lime. But I had cut my hand on the stem of a pineapple about 4 minutes earlier. So I’m live on this video, and I’m squeezing this lime into the smoothie. Instantly, I feel the lime juice seep into my cut. But they call me One Take Wonder for a valid reason. I don’t even flinch. And as I’m trying to finish up this video, it’s like there’s an internal voice in my head just screaming in agony, as I keep the show going. That was a fun time, but we got it done.

Then, since we can have dinner in people’s houses again, me and Elder Horne went to this one family for dinner. So we were helping out a bit with them finishing up getting ready, and then I’m like, “Elder Horne, switch me ties.” And he’s confused, but I pop my collar and start to loosen my tie. So he panics a little and does the same, and we trade ties super fast, right behind their backs. They were facing away from us, and we finish pulling our ties up as one of them turns around, it was perfect. Then we did it two more times. Each time, right under their noses, swapping ties around and not getting caught. So the record is three, and we’ve been trying to get opportunities to break it.

Alrighty, now you gotta understand my mental state before I tell you this next tale. We were at the church editing some videos. We had to edit three separate videos, and we were nearing the end of this third one. But it had been around 2.5 hours now, so I’m looking around the room for anything to keep me from passing out. And I see a stapler. And I’m kinda just nunchucking it around, and then I stop to look at it. Now again, consider my mental state. Anything to keep me entertained now, because I’m just so done with doing this. So I’m like, “Elder Horne, what are the odds I staple my leg?” BUT THE WHOLE REASON I ASKED THIS QUESTION was because I thought that the only way a stapler worked was by pushing down on the other side, so if I hit it into my leg, I wouldn’t actually get stapled. But he’s like, “One in ten.” And I’m like, “One in one.” And I slap the stapler down into my leg. Now, for those who are aware, staplers can, in fact, staple something you slam them against. And I figured it out that night. The staple went through my pants into my leg, and I was in pain. But wow, was I no longer bored, or tired. I was quite awake from that moment on. And then I pulled the staple out of my leg, and made sure my pants didn’t get ripped. And it’s not like the staple went all the way into my leg, only a bit of it was actually in my leg, so it wasn’t the worst thing. But I highly recommend that you don’t try it, it was kind of a super bad time.

Then we also found out if I’m staying or leaving. I’m staying with Elder Horne, but we won’t be in Phoffer anymore… We’re getting a bunch of missionaries from other countries, and so rather than being in Fair Oaks and Forest Ridge, we’re just taking Fair Oaks, and some other missionaries are taking Forest Ridge. And we might end up sharing our apartment with them, so that’ll be fun! But we don’t know yet.

Thanks for tuning in folks, keep it real out there.

Over and Out

THE RAFFLE

Well, it’s another month. This week marks the 18th of June, and it’ll’ve been nine months since I left my house, so the raffle continues:

SHOUTOUTS:

• Sister Mauk – She was serving in this same part of the mission I was, but she’s going somewhere else for her final six weeks on the mission. She’s slick, and we call her “Mauk 3” because it’s pronounced like “mach”, so we had to.
• Dylan – My man Dylan gets a shoutout too. He’s living life right now, doing who knows what. I met him when I would go to lunch with all my other friends, and he was just there with us. So I got to know him and found out that he’s a cool guy.

Pics:

• We found this bus in front of one of our churches in this town called Wagoner, and they just have an entire church bus there. We asked the missionaries in Wagoner why they had it, and apparently the bishop drives it around to pick everyone up for church. What a champ.
• Chef Schredder, in the flesh.
• Masks, OH BOY.

Thrown to the Ground

New week, same stuff. Making videos for Facebook, calling people, and Zooming people. I’m gonna verb that word because it’s so much easier to say. But let’s see what else happened.

Oh yeah, the world is erupting into riots now? Dang, some people’s kids these days.
Well, all we did was the stuff I listed before, so I’m gonna share another story from my past that I still remember, because trauma won’t let me forget it.

So this is back in the days of my tumultuous youth. I was hanging out with two of my best homies, Patrick and Ethan. They’re the brothers that lived down the street from me all my life. And we were outside on their trampoline one day. And like boys do, we decided to fight. Not like full on “kill or be killed”, but just some good ol’ fashioned trampoline brawling. Now, I was the tallest of the group at the time, and Patrick was the shortest, and we’re bouncing around, pushing each other over like kamikaze dominoes, just having a good time. Now, the reason I include the height difference is because this would have been impossible had I not been larger in mass than him. So I’m trashing Ethan around, like I do, because I am the alpha male here, and I see Patrick at the edge of the trampoline start to charge at me. So I need Ethan out of my way for when I take Patrick down to his trampoliney grave, so I give Ethan a push to my right, and turn to face this barelling monkey. I thought he was gonna hit me head on, but Patrick was filled with the spirit of PURE GLADIATORIAL COMBAT, and he jumps at me, practically SIDEWAYS, wrapping his arms around my neck. It looked like he was going to run past me, when he jumped and grappled me, and I honestly don’t know how this happened, but Patrick swung around me, like I was some kind of pivot, and he brought both his legs into Ethan’s limp little body, sending him flying away. Meanwhile, I’m stumbling, trying to keep my balance while this mad lad is orbiting me like some kind of planet. So after rotating 180 degrees around me, kicking Ethan, and not touching the trampoline, Patrick finally gets his feet back down, and uses the centrifugal force of his attack to JUDO SLAM ME INTO THE GROUND. I was down, Ethan was probably dead, and Patrick was standing there, in total awe of what he just did. I still remember it today, and I’m sure they do as well. It was single handedly the coolest martial arts move I have ever been a part of, TO THIS DAY. Oh wow, I get chills just typing the story out.

But yeah, nothing story worthy happened this week, maybe this next week will be better…? I kinda doubt it though, we’re inside pretty much all day, and that’s not exactly SUPER CRAZY. But anyway, I’ll catch you guys next week, don’t go rioting, or I’ll mail you soggy bread.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• My Grandma: My grandma is awesome. When she saw that none of the people from my raffle were getting back with me, she offered to take it, because nobody else wanted it. Luckily Sister Jones actually did take it, but it’s the thought that counts. Thanks grandma, you rock.
• Nicole: She used to be a missionary here, but went home a while ago. She was slick, and so she got added to the weeklies. Who knows if she even reads these, but we’ll still give her a shoutout.

Pics:

• Imagine this room. Four of me in it. What would happen? What wouldn’t happen? Either way, I would love to be there.

All the time, people ask me, “How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?” To which I answer, “About 1 panorama”

You Cannot Get Rid of Me

Guess who folks? It’s me. The Schredder. Going after those dang ninja turtles again.

On a cool note, we had a baptism this week! You’re supposed to limit it to 10 people if you do it indoors, but we got to do it at this rich dude’s house in his pool. It was a good experience, despite being super hot in a suit. That was probably the best part of my week, but let’s see if we have any stories.

I mean, there was a guy pacing back and forth in the parking lot for a good two hours one day, and then we later found him playing what appeared to be invisible basketball. He’d just bring his hands up, and then pretend to shoot a basketball. We watched him take like 12 shots before we decided to get back to what we were doing. So, that was fun.

Oh yeah, at the baptism, the people that were letting us use their pool had a MASSIVE dog, so that was a plus. He was like a small bear, and of course I petted the dog, even at the cost of having hair all over my pants.

Alright, so who remembers when I made the shampoo of destiny? Well, before I unravel this tale, you need to understand something I do. So, I used to get up super early during the school year for seminary, before school. Seminary is basically a church class at 6 in the morning. And since my dad was the teacher, we had to get there early. So I was waking up at like 5:30, five days of the week throughout all of high school. Which I say is an achievement in and of itself. But you see, I was not a fan of getting up and getting into the shower, where the lights would blind me. I needed some time for my mind to calmly awaken. So I started to shower….. in the dark.

Now, you gotta understand, that this was one of the greatest ideas I’ve ever thought of. That and Chairables. You know if you know. But yeah, I started to get up, and have all my clothes in the same spot, so I could grab them in the darkness, and just walk into the shower. It was awesome. I got to the point where I could get ready in the morning entirely blind. I had the soap and shampoo in the same places, so I didn’t have to look for them. I was Shower Daredevil. But anyway, this habit of mine has stuck with me into the mission. I shower every single morning, in the dark. So now we get to the story.

We finally had run out of the power shampoo, but I didn’t know that until I was trying to get some into my hand one morning. So I had to find another bottle. Now, we still had some various bottles of shampoo, so I felt around in the shampoo section, until I got one. It had one of those handy little squirt things at the top, like hand sanitizer does, and so for two days, I was using that for my shampoo. Then one day, as I’m cleaning the bathroom, I notice the selection of shampoos, and instantly spot the bottle I’ve been using for about two mornings now. It was the only one with the hand sanitizer top. And no, it wasn’t hand sanitizer. It was freakin’ acne wash. I was using acne wash as shampoo. Oop. I don’t think you’re supposed to do that. But then I found a bottle that actually had shampoo in it and set it up so I could find it next morning. But yeah, that was a discovery I didn’t want to make.

Sorry, that’s the best I’ve got for you. I poured out all of my creative power into my raffle redraw, because nobody responds to me anymore. Oh, and shoutouts have just become me picking random people, since everyone is done asking for that. But I will persist. My weeklies shall not die off and become forgotten in the inboxes of my supposed friends and family. You fools still got 16 months of these things coming at you. Suck it.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Derick – This dude is like a living stick, but he’s awesome. I knew him back in CO, and he’s living it up with online school right now. We became friends under some wild circumstances, but I’m glad they happened. What a guy.
• Elder Archer – I met this guy in the MTC, and he’s actually from Oklahoma. He’s a super good missionary, killin’ it up in Idaho, where the nation vacations.