A BUNCH OF INCREDIBLE THINGS!!! READ THIS EMAIL TO FIND OUT!!!!!

Alright, you called my bluff, nothing happened this week. But hey, I’ll just drag some short moment into a lengthy story, and it’ll appear as if my week was packed to the brim with entertainment and enlightenment.

Also, we’ve got two kids we’re teaching that want to get baptized now, so that’s hype. It’s such a wack thing to go from teaching actual adults to teaching kids. When we are telling the youngins about stuff, we have to associate it with something they like, or they forget it by the time we start our next sentence. So like Frosted flakes, they’re grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat

I also found out that I’m staying in Fair Oaks with Elder Horne for another 6 weeks.

Alright, now I gotta drag a story out. So we were at dinner with these super cool members, and the son just asks the question outta the blue, “How fast can you chug a water bottle?” To which I reply, “Pretty freakin fast” But then this kid reaches for one of the unopened bottles in the middle, and I do the same. Neither of us said words, but we both knew what was about to happen. The mom and his sister started to hype us up, as this 16 year old living mullet takes of the headphones he had around his neck and stands up. I’m taking off my jacket and getting to my feet as well. Then we both pop the lid off, and the kid’s like, “Three, two one, go.” GLLLLBBBGGGGGBGGGBGBGBGB is the sound that is echoing over the dinner table, as we both crush these water bottles into our mouths. We were super close, but he pulled ahead of me when he blew the water bottle up with air again, and then got that last little bit. That was a trick that I wasn’t aware of, so I was trying to just squeeze all the water that thing had out of it like a dying desert man. Then for the rest of dinner he said his stomach was hurting, but I was doing just fine, so who’s the real winner?

Yeah, sorry, this week wasn’t ham bone crazy, but next week, we’ll get stuff going. Still teaching a bunch of people, which is hype, so we’re just busy most days. Thanks for sticking around, we’ll get ’em next time.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Elder Livingston – Again, asking for a shoutout. But I’ll tell you why. Every time we are driving somewhere, and we get stuck behind each other at a stoplight, we play rock paper scissors, and I’m currently 0 for 8 right now…
• Elder Miller – This is a missionary that I met in the MTC that is serving in some state near the East coast. I don’t really remember where, I’m too busy thinking about all these people in Fair Oaks, sorry bud. But he’s a great guy.

The Burn of a Potato

So I glocked a fly. That’s how this week starts out. I used this Nerf gun in our apartment, shooting at this fly that was flying around, and eventually it landed on the counter. I aimed and fired. After a blur of yellow, there was nothing but a little streak where the fly once was, with his body plastered on the wall behind him. It was a glorious spectacle to behold.

Oh, also, the ukulele is the easiest instrument to learn, if anyone is out there looking for a quarantine skill to pick up. Elder Horne taught me a couple of chords, and then Elder Nash (another missionary) taught me how to strum. Bing bang boom, I can play about 500 songs now.

Then another day in the week, we were calling these other missionaries, and for some reason we found out they had a bunch of potatoes, so of course I was like, “Hey, take a bite straight out of a raw potato, you won’t.” And then I got hit with the “If you do it, I’ll do it.” So I was like, “Alright, game time.” So we each sent a video of us eating a potato raw. And I will now proceed to recount my experience:
It was a sucky time. First off, I literally bit off more than I could chew. So I was crunching for about a minute and a half, until the raw potato was finally gone. And it tasted bad the entire time. So that was fun. Once it was finally done, I thought it was over. But it wasn’t. For some reason, my throat had this mad burning in it for like, the next THREE HOURS. I felt like ripoff Snow White, and I was about to enter the wildest coma of my life. But it eventually left, so that’s good.

Then we were also having this video call with a kid, and before we were able to start, he spent 15 minutes showing us his Fortnite skins, so that was quite educational.

But other than this stuff, not too much happened. We’re all gooooood, having a good time, teaching people, making videos, living life, and surviving off cereal and grilled cheese. Have a rockin’ week.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Makenna – She asked for a shoutout, but gave me nothing to shout her out for. So I guess we’ll shout her out for just being a great person. She’s a blast to be around, has a cool older brother (My man Bryce), and is just straight up super great.
• Elder Livingston – “Alright, what do you want to get shouted out for?” – Me. He just said, “Anything.” So I will shout him out for wearing flip flops right now, like a champ. He’s a cool guy, and he also has taught me some stuff with the ukulele.
• Elder Horne – “You have to ask for shoutouts??” is roughly what he said after Elder Livingston asked for one. But yeah, he taught me the most common chords for ukuleles, and then sent me a picture of them, and lets me practice on his ukulele after hours.

The Famine

Alright, so we start out the week by getting salsa all over the walls of our beloved abode. I don’t want to go into details, but it’s what happened.

Then we found some clippers in our apartment, so we cut each other’s hair, and it was pretty swell.

Then I got to make some chocolate chip cookies, which was actually a great time. I love making cookies, even though it cost me a majority of my money. Oh well. On that note, we’ve been living off the scraps of the scraps in our apartment. We both have no money and no food, so we have to eat stuff like peanut butter and jelly on stale tortillas. And one day I buckled and even tried cereal in water. It was a desperate time, and I really don’t recommend it to anyone. I cannot describe the experience with words, but just don’t do it.

Also, much like myself, I’m sure there are many of you wondering why I wasn’t called to Russia for my mission. Well. I have the reason right here. We were having dinner with these members, and they have an AirBNB guest staying with them, who apparently escaped from Russia a couple years back. But when he was asking about how we ended up in Oklahoma, and I told him that I would’ve been down to serve in Russia, he just cut me off and was like, “If you went to Russia, you would never come back.” And he said in this Russian accent, it was sick. But the reason I don’t come back isn’t because I die, no no. It’s because I would, according to this guy’s logic, find some girl that woos me into staying and I go orthodox. And just, never come back. So I guess it’s good that I’m in Oklahoma.

But yeah, we’ve been making more videos for Facebook, which is fun, and visiting the few people we can. I’m getting through this quarantine, but I feel like missionary work will never be the same. Ah well, things are good, and I’m having a grand time.

Over and Out

We also got the 18th coming up this week sooooooo…

THE RAFFLE:

SHOUTOUTS:

• Kenny – My boy Kenny is living life successfully. Because he’s still alive. He’s a solid homie and he’s probably gonna be a news anchor some day. What a man.

Kissing Satan

So you know the story of David and Goliath? I did that. Well, kinda. I made a sling, and threw golf balls around the apartment, which is more or less what David did. It started with me just finding one of those measuring ribbons in the apartment, and then also finding a golf ball. So of course I do some tests. And sure enough, if you have a golf ball sitting inside a measuring ribbon, being swung around fast enough, it doesn’t fall out! Sometimes. Truly a groundbreaking discovery. I then was able to hone my skills with the measuring ribbon and golf ball to the point that I could launch it pretty dang accurately at stuff. I mostly just threw it at our recliners, because I didn’t want to break anything, and I could hit those bad boys from across the room. Now, the early development of this sling was a little rough because the golf ball would occasionally slip out and fly in some random direction, which gave Elder Horne literal trauma. And I’m pretty sure it still lingers inside him, because even after I had perfected my slinging skills, he still runs into another room when I start winding it up. Oh well.

And then on another day I got attacked by a bird. Hope you’re interested now. So we were walking to get the mail, but it was raining, so we each had an umbrella. On the way back, I see this little bird on the ground, and it looks too young to be able to fly. So I channel my inner Pocahontas, and go up to see if the bird is ai’ight. Well, I must’ve channeled the wrong vibe, because I took one step closer to it, and it went full smoke detector on me. Like, “EEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!” Which was horrific, and reminded me of that scene in “The Incredibles” where the bird is like, “Voice key incorrect” And then it just goes full on fire drill mode, and ruptures your eardrums. But then, there was more screeching coming from above me in the trees, and I feel this object bump into my umbrella, and then fly back into the trees, and I’m like, “Mama bird, you know I can THROW DOWN on a playah, what are you doin??” And mama bird was all, “EEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEE!!” But I just decided to leave ’em be, and we continued walking.

Alright, then this one time, we were eating food with these members, and this kid there is like, “You fellas ever had pure chili extract?” Now, the pure extract of anything gets me interested, so we were like, “No, what is it?” And he goes off to his room, and returns with this sketchy looking package, which he opens up like the devil himself, smoke spilling out onto the table, while some background organ music starts playing in a minor key. But he takes out this vial, and it’s got more warning labels on it than stars in the sky, and he tells us it’s got “No flavor, just pure spice.” And both that statement and the warning labels have already gotten my mind made up as to whether I’m trying this stuff or not. I AM. So he tells us to get a TEENY bit on the end of our fork prongs, and then just pop that sucker in your mouth. So I don’t go too crazy, but I still get a bit on there. It’s got the dark red color of death itself, but we each try it at the same time. It took a few seconds before it hit, but once it hit, it hit hard. It fills your whole mouth, and I made the mistake of licking my lips, so it felt like I had just made out with Satan himself, which didn’t make my life any better. So 15 minutes and 3 water bottles later, it was finally gone, but those 15 minutes were spent with us looking at each other and screaming internally. Elder Horne was sweating like a mad lad, and his eyes were constantly tearing up; meanwhile, my nose was out running a 10k, while I kept licking my lips, trying to rinse the nectar of pure chili off of it. But we got through it. Hot dang. Emphasis on HOT.

Then our 4th of July was us sitting in chairs outside watching people down the road light the sky up, which was pretty sick.

So that was my week in a nutshell, thanks for tuning in. Get hyped for THE RAFFLE next week… I don’t know what it’s gonna be, but it’s gonna be good.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• The Founding Fathers: Good job boys, you got this country up and rolling, if you could see it now, you would probably be crying, but that’s ok.
• Bryce: This guy is the best older brother out there, and he’s a homie. I remember one time when we were on some camping trip for Scouts, we pretty much just scammed the other guy we were playing war with by simply taking his cards that were higher than ours, before he realized that he actually won. What a legend.

Pics:

I didn’t have a red, white and blue tie, so I improvised:

The sling: