Elder Schroeder's Mission Blog

Drugs in the Church Parking Lot

Thought we’d run through my week in a variety of poetry styles.

Haiku:

My everyday life
Stay inside all day
Calling all sorts of people
Then we play some games

Beat Poetry:

Locked inside
Wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror
Another day in good OK, man you know that we out here
Still get dressed
Sunday best
Nametag still
On my chest
Calling all the families in the ward
Do it for an hour, then get bored
Make a sandwich, read the Bible
Man we’re living like we’re tribal
Day is done, feelin’ dead
Drop a prayer, go to bed

Hopefully that’s a more interesting way to say, “We’ve been doing pretty much the same thing every day this week.” But things are pretty good here, I don’t know if too many interesting things happened, but I’ll look through the week.

Well, for starters the Spanish missionaries here asked us for our help filming a video for them to upload, and I wore a dinosaur suit to help them out. That was about the only positive social interaction we got for the week, so that’s why it’s a highlight.

Alright, so for those that don’t know, we can go to the church to exercise and stuff, and one day we went to play some basketball. Now, I didn’t bring clothes because I can still dominate a man wearing dress shoes and slacks. They’re actually my shoes from working at Chick-fil-A, so they’re not as restraining as usual dress shoes are. But anyway, Elder Anderson went to go change into actual workout clothes. So I’m throwing the basketball at the hoop, missing like usual, when I see this hunched figure out the window on the gym doors. This mysterious person is bent over in such a way, that it’s like the letter L. Homie has just morphed into a Tetris piece! So I’m just looking at this person, just lost in what they are doing, because I cannot identify the gender. And they stayed like that for like, a minute straight, as I waited for Elder Anderson. He showed up, and I was like, “Yo come look at this person” and then I’m like, “Should we go talk to them?” And then we went out the side doors, came around and said hi. Then this LADY looked up, and her eye was like, going bananas. I don’t know how to explain it, her eye was just in some deep REM sleep or something. It was just looking all around, until it finally sort of homed in on us. I’m 85% sure she was shooting up heroin, not gonna lie. But we said hi and asked if she was trying to get into the building. She said yes, and we told her how it’s closed now because of coronavirus. And as we’re talking, she’s taking off her sunglasses, looking through them at the ground, then putting them back on, waiting a moment, and doing it again. Then we asked if we could help her with anything, and she asked if there was an office we could step into. We were like nah. And then she told us how she got “run off the road by some bikers” and then she came here. Then she talked about how she hasn’t had a hot meal in a while, and she needs a ride home to another town in Oklahoma. We asked her where, and she said, “First gimme the ok that you’re gonna help.” So then we asked, “Well how far away is it?” And she’s like, “2 hours.” So we were like, “We’ll go call some people to see if anyone can help.” Then we asked what her name was, and she thought for a bit, then she’s like, “Kay.” Sick. So she just gave us a letter of the alphabet. But we went and called some people to see what the protocol was, and we got word to just tell her we can’t do anything, because of Corona going around, and she was probably just a moocher, that was trying to get money and a free ride. So we went out and as we come around, she’s smoking a cigarette, and back in her L power stance. As we said hi, she rubbed it into the ground, and the moment we told her we can’t really do much to help her as missionaries, she was like, “This is the second church I’ve come to, and this same thing happened. You know, God sees all, and there will be a Judgement Day.” Basically trying to guilt trip us into giving her a ride or some money, which we couldn’t do because only missionaries could use the church cars, and we both were flat outta cash. Then she hit us with the “True Christians would help, no matter who they were in the church.” So I guess we earned INSTANT DAMNATION for following the rules. Then she asked AGAIN if we could give her a ride to the nearest library, and we said we couldn’t. And when we offered to give her directions to the nearest library, she just proceeded to say, “I hope this church gets shut down.” And she walked away, saying stuff that we couldn’t hear, so we went back inside. So that was just a weird event for everyone involved.

Yeah, also update for us is that we got told we have to wear the face masks in public, which gave me some trauma from the last episode I had involving face masks. But they also said we could wear stuff like scarves or other masks, and the missionary that used to be in a gang is getting us all matching bandannas, so I’m pretty pumped for that. Gonna be going out in public, and people gonna start calling me “Bandito Schroeder”. 

Well, aside from the stuff I talked about, life is just kinda chugging along. We’ll be here for another week, and I’ll try to do something story worthy for next week. Thanks to everyone who reads my emails, even when I’m stuck in the house.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

• Kay: She had the guts to do drugs on church property. If someone can consciously choose to do that, and not feel a drop of guilt, they’re truly something else.

Basically Tripping Acid

Well, another week done in Norman. Just chilling in our apartment because we can’t leave. Life is wild. We call people, text people, and try making Facebook posts. OH YEAH, so we put free bibles for sale on Facebook, hoping to be able to talk to people as we handed them out. Well, guess what. We got a couple offers, and we were pumped. So the day comes when we’re gonna meet with them. This is actually at the end of the week, starting on Friday. So we text this guy and set up to meet with him at a local Walmart at 10 in the morning. First thing we noticed: This guy is probably crazy. Texting him was like talking to someone that could only remember the last sentence you said. So that was fun. But we show up at the Walmart, wait for 30 minutes, call him, text him, nothing. So we peel outta there. Next day, this lady wants a bible. We set up same place, same time. Wait from 9:50 to 10:30, with us calling and texting her as well. No show. Then she texts and says tomorrow will be better. Same place, but now a different time. Well guess freaking what? NO SHOW. Oh my hot cross buns. I could’ve sworn we were scheduling times to meet up with gosh dang Tony the Tiger because of all these FLAKES. Three days in a row. What the actual flip.

Dang, we didn’t do a lot of exciting things this week. Oh, we got to bike around OU campus, which was desolate, but honestly, that’s not really something fun to share.

Alright, I got something. So earlier this week I got a bouncy ball. Like, the ones that look like little moons, with the weird crater looking dents in it. Anyway, we went to the church gym to get some exercise, and I figured, “What better time to bust out the bouncy ball?” So we pull up to the church and go into the gym. Elder Anderson is just practicing shooting baskets, and I’m playing good ol’ solo wall ball. But I decide to see if I can throw the bouncy ball at the ground, and have it bounce and hit the ceiling. It bounced pretty crazy high, and nearly hit the ceiling twice. Well, just gotta put some more juice into the next throw, I guess. So I wind up and just throw this ball with the might of Poseiden at the freaking ground. Well. The fates came for me that day. The ball immediately ricocheted and hit me square in the face. I then stumbled to the side, and since I threw my head back so hard, I nearly fell, and my glasses launched off my head. I quickly grabbed my glasses from the ground and looked at basketball boy, who was OBLIVIOUS to what had just transpired. And then I tell the masses on my weekly email, so I still look like a fool. But it was pretty funny.

Alright, I got some things to say. So, this may be dirt on Elder Anderson, but I mean it with no ill intent, and just want to share it because it’s wild. He is the sweatiest man I have ever seen on planet Earth. After we started playing some basketball against each other, his shirt proceeded to go from light red to dark red. Have you ever played basketball against a man covered in baby oil? That’s what it was like. You couldn’t touch him, because he would just slip away, and you in no way even wanted to touch him. My shirt was dry, his elbow bumped into it, and my shirt became wet. Not damp… WET. It’s the closest I can get to going swimming, because this man is practically bathing himself. The average body is made of what, 60% water? Nah. Not him. He’s probably in the triple digits. I don’t mean to put him in a bad light, I just wanted to enlighten all of you with this fun bit of information.

Alright, then something else happened. So, the few people who remember my literal first week’s email, I talked about hitting a stretch that made me almost pass out. It happened again. So I was hunched against the back of this armchair in our apartment, and I was like that for a good while. Then, we got a call that someone dropping off dinner to us was outside. So I stand up and I’m stretching, trying to fix my self-inflicted scoliosis, when I feel that good headrush coming on. My vision just fades to black, and the noise around me disappears. Then suddenly, noise returns and I start seeing things. Just, THINGS. And I start hearing just, NOISE. I’ve never tripped acid, but boy lemme tell you, that’s probably what it feels like. I saw things and heard things, and then, when my consciousness came back, I found myself sitting back in the chair that I never intended to sit back down in. I’m pretty sure I passed out for like, 4 seconds, and then came to. But like, WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO ME?? I was so confused, but we had food to get, so I got back up and we were out the door. But dang, I guess I get head rushes that end up literally knocking me unconscious, so that’s cool.

Other than that, this week has been just us inside our apartment. It kinda sucks, but we’re still living, and having a good time. Hope nobody is dying, and everyone enjoys getting to stay inside! Woo!

SHOUTOUTS:

My mom: My mom asked for a shoutout, and she’ll get one. She’s awesome! She raised me since day one, and somehow put up with me throughout my whole life. You the real one, Mom.

Over and Out

Murder Witnesses

So yeah, we got locked in. We can only really be in our apartment, or at the church. And we can’t visit members. But we can still see other missionaries, if everyone is feeling good. So that’s the situation in which the events of this week were forged.

Well, since we got SHUT DOWN on Friday of last week, we’ll go over the pre-locked-in stuff. I mean, not really a good story, but I got whooped up on in foosball against some members we were having dinner with. And I mean, it was brutal. The kid was like, two years younger than me, but light-years ahead of me in pure foosball prowess. So I took some damage to my pride that night, which hurt.

Also, last Monday when I was here, there was just a random guy wandering around playing bagpipes, so that was unexpected.

Then we went to Chili’s for lunch before EVERY RESTAURANT CLOSED, and found out that Chili’s kinda sucks. Then we threw a mattress off a balcony at some other missionary. It was sick. His spine probably almost collapsed in on itself like an accordian.

Then came the reckoning. We found out we were gonna be on lockdown. So then like 3 days of nothing but calling people, studying and playing board games.

But with all this tomfoolery going on, we got to go and walk around the empty OU campus, which was legendary. We went to this duck pond they have there, and we fed them bread. I was like the animal whisperer, because I would slowly lure them closer to me, one step at a time, until I had geese literally eating the bread right out of my hand. Now THAT was sick. But then I ran out of bread, and it looked like the geese were gonna jump me, so it instantly became less sick. Then we were watching these four ducks swimming around together, and we saw one of them start to violently thrash in the water like it was listening to heavy metal, and then it just got sucked under. Annnnnnd didn’t come back up. We stayed there for another 10 minutes, and that duck didn’t surface. He was gone. He wasn’t coming back. And the three other ducks did not give one crap that their homeboy just got snatched like that. We’ve heard that snapping turtles are in Oklahoma, and that was our best guess as to what happened to that chap, but who knows.

Well, nothing else really happened, because nothing else really CAN happen, with us sitting inside all day. I’ll try to make some more madness in the meantime. Also, I’m staying here for another 6 weeks. Just got word like, ten minutes ago. Same guy will be with me, Elder Anderson.

SHOUTOUTS:

• Patrick: He didn’t ask for one, but I don’t care. Writing this email, especially the part about dropping a mattress on another man, reminded me of my good homie Patrick. Patrick was a LEGEND in gymnastic ability, he went to national championships and stuff. It was nuts. Then his back went through an extreme case of Getting Messed the Freak Up. So it reminded me of him, and I put him on here. Patrick, you a real one brotha, stay frosty.

Over and Out

1 Foot, 6 feet, and 15 feet

So, screw Coronavirus. What a dumb virus. I’ll tell you what we get to do because of that. Actually, more what we don’t get to do. No more handshakes, so formally greeting people is a no go. No more going to church, so seeing our members is out. And on the one day a week that we get to play games and email, games are donezo. But we still are told to go out and visit people, so long as they aren’t feeling bad. It’s not just confusing, it’s also shtewpid. Coronavirus is ruining my mission. And then of course they say stuff like, “Stay at least 6 feet away from someone coughing or sneezing.” Like, the heck am I gonna do, pull out 2 yard sticks and double check that math??

My master idea is that we stop shutting things down and all just embrace the virus. Yeah, we all get it, and the weak will be weeded out, but then everyone strong enough to get through it will be immune. Sorry if you got a weak immune system, natural selection can be brutal. (Nobody actually take offense at this joke!)

ANYWAY.

So this week is the week of the 18th, so once again, we got: THE RAFFLE. Whoever wins better email me where to send it.

Ok, now that the BORING stuff is gone, let’s go over the week. So, I don’t know if you know this, but in some newer-model cars, such as the one we have, they have an automatic stop function if you get too close to something without braking. So I was just driving, like you do, and out of the corner of my eye, I see a shirtless man carrying his leather jacket for a fraction of a second. So I turn to double check if I saw that right, and in the process of looking over, the car notices I’m coming closer to the car in front of me, who had come to a rather quick stop. So the car does the flashing red letters BRAKE, and I start pushing on the brake, not wanting to give myself whiplash. Well our car had a better idea. Since I didn’t push on the brakes as hard as humanly possible, the car proceeds to bring us to a literal GEAR GRINDING HALT. This wack sound was coming from the car, and we were flung forward. No injuries, no airbags, but the car stopped us. A GOOD FIFTEEN FREAKING FEET BEHIND THE CAR IN FRONT OF US. Thank goodness we were able to squeal our tires and probably do some damage to the interior instead of getting to stop a little bit closer to the other car. Honestly could’ve had a homie merge between us comfortably, from where we had stopped.

Time for a story of sweet buttery goodness. So I was making mac & cheese, nobody could stop me, and I realized I needed to put butter in with the milk and stuff, and all we had was butter in the fridge. I don’t want to put hard butter in my pan and mix it around until it’s melted, so I put the stick of butter, with the wrapper on, in the microwave. I hit the 30 seconds button, knowing I’d stop it well before then and then got immediately distracted by the pan of water I was boiling. Next thing I hear is the microwave beeping as I proceed to yell, “OH NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” And sure enough, the butter had melted out of the package onto the glass disc thing. So I dumped the melted butter into a glass and had to use that. Luckily Elder Anderson was there to capture my pure joy on camera.

We also got to talk to a guy working on a broken van, and he had the BIGGEST plumber’s crack I have ever perceived with my peripheral vision. I didn’t dare lay eyes on that unholy sight head on, but that crack had gotta be about a foot long, sweet glory. Could’ve gone to Subway and spent $5 for that thing.

And yeah, that’s about my week. Still going around and visiting families, trying to help them out while talking to everyone we see and trying to find people that want to listen to us. Hopefully I don’t get locked in my apartment and have nothing to write about, but WHO KNOWS? Anyway, thanks to everyone that reads this, hopefully you enjoyed it, have a fantastic week.

SHOUTOUTS:

• Nobody wants shoutouts anymore

Pics:

• The butter fiasco
• I love riding in the back behind people that are over 6 feet
• Gary, from the raffle
• Swapped and went out with a different missionary for the day, who promptly got sick, and we came back so he could pass out
• So this card game called “BANG” had a make your own card, and Elder Anderson told me to draw Thanos. So I did what I could

— Over and Out

Endgame Spoilers, 8 Dogs, and a Guy Who Bites His Cat

Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent another full week among the land of the cowboys. Their social interactions astound me, and I have yet to fully understand them. One that I’ve noticed amongst the fellow missionaries is that they do this finger slapping thing. I don’t know how to describe it. You make your pointer finger really loose, and then you pretty much shake your hand, and your spaghetti finger slaps against your middle finger and thumb. Yeah, they do it when something good happens, and usually say something like, “Let’s goooooo!” I think it’s weird and a little cringy, but maybe that’s because I can’t do it >:( Either way, I’ll probably not reform out of spite because I don’t want to pick up any wretched hillbilly quirks.

With that out of the way, it’s been a pretty good week. We’ve been working with the members here, and there are a lot of cool ones. I don’t know how many things that happened will make a good story, but I guess we’ll find out.

Well, I mean, I don’t have access to the news or anything like that, but the CORONAVIRUS is a fun topic people bring up all the time. What I have learned from the various skewed sources I have is that, (1) It kills old people. (2) It started in Japan or China. (3) A mile up the road of the supposed “origin point” is a high level government lab. (4) There’s like, 1 person in Oklahoma with it. And (5) it has a two-week dormant period before you see the symptoms. And I learned must of that from a guy who kept claiming, “Now, I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but…” And then he’d talk to us about how it was a perfect virus that started just near a high level lab. It’s wild. We’ve just been told to wash our hands and don’t do anything shtewpid, so yeah, hopefully it doesn’t take over the world like it’s The Brain. (That’s a high level “Pinky and The Brain” joke for all those goofs out there who don’t get it.)

ENDGAME SPOILER ALERT:

So on a car ride, our driver was talking to us and was like, “Ya know, I don’t know how Marvel is gonna keep making movies without Iron Man anymore…” And now, my guy Elder Anderson hasn’t seen it, so I look at him, and he’s about to say something when the guy finishes, “But now he’s dead.” And Elder Anderson just puts his head down in defeat. As soon as the guy finished saying that, he started saying sorry and saying stuff like, “No, I meant that as in he doesn’t have a will to fight anymore!” And his daughter just going after him for ruining the whole thing for him. Ah, sucks to suck I guess.

END OF SPOILER

If you haven’t seen the movie, which, I can only think of one person on this list that hasn’t, don’t read the spoiler part.

Anyway, a fun thing that isn’t really a good story per se, is that we found a dog without a collar and tracked down the owner, so that was a fun time. Then, on that same day, after we got home, I noticed that my pants were just wrecked, from all the interactions we had with dogs. I went back through and calculated exactly how many dogs came in contact with my pants. 8 dogs. That’s a record for me, just sayin’. Petting 8 dogs in a day is a good day.

So, also. For about half the week it hurt to breathe. Literally. If I took a breath in all the way, my lungs started to hurt. I literally don’t know why they did that; I’m like what the heck stupid lungs, I’m gonna need you to not do that. But now it doesn’t! And life goes on. But I’m just saying, this might be the last email I ever write.

Fun fact: I apparently laugh in my sleep. Didn’t think I could, but it was a funny dream.

ALRIGHT: So we went to visit this member family, who are super cool, and they have these cats. And the guy was talking to us about how they trained the cats to not bite people, and he was like, “Well, they used to bite me when I was petting them, so I bit them back to show ’em what it feels like.” BOY YOU WHAT?? And he’s like, “Hey, it showed ’em that it hurts, and they stopped doing it.” So I mean, that’s metal. But oh man, what a lad. He was also wearing white socks and sandals the whole time.

Yeah, it was a good week, not super off the rails wild, but still pretty good.

SHOUTOUTS:

• Sister Richardson: She’s a missionary serving in Indiana. I met her in the MTC and she’s really cool. She said that she actually reads all the way through my weekly emails, so she’s a real one.

Pics:

• So we went to this donut shop called “Hurts Donuts” and the cashier dude knew missionaries and we got free donuts.

• The lost dog we found

Over and Out

Use Your Imagination

Well, it’s been a whole week. So much has happened. But only the good stuff will make it on this email. On a positive note, some members told us about their friends, and we found out that they’re both outside of the area we have, so we get to give them to other missionaries. But hey, still a good thing. Even though our numbers look bad, we’re doing good.

We’ll hit some brief, vague highlights that don’t really have a good story, and are better left up to the imagination:

• Accidentally insulted the lineage of an Apache missionary
• Learned about obscure Monopoly strategies and how to win (there’s skill in that game?)
• Elder Lara explained to me how this member gave him crystals to draw energy out of
• Went to the police station
• Fed 5,000 kids
• Our closet literally collapsed
• Slept in a mattress sandwich
• Almost got attacked by four massive dogs
• Saw a lady protesting by holding a bag of trail mix
• Elder Anderson popped his bike tire

Yeah, not really anything that I could turn into a story, but stuff happened. Did the normal stuff like going into houses that smelled like weed– which reminded me of the Colorado homeland– and biked for like, 2 hours straight. It was a good week though.

Ok also: So this is just practically fact, or Jesus is covering my eyes. There are no hot people in Oklahoma. Very very few. Now, I don’t know if it’s just that they have no genetic lottery winners, or since as a missionary I can’t date, so I’m not on the prowl. But yeah, there really aren’t very attractive women here. God knew I’d end up getting those digits for after the mission, so I guess that’s why I’m here in Oklahoma. Out of sight, out of mind. And I don’t know anybody from Oklahoma, so hopefully nobody gets offended at that comment.

Well, we also got some pictures of my sick homemade costume.

SHOUTOUTS:

• My sister Kyra. She didn’t ask for one but she’s really really awesome. She goes to college at BYU and is, like, my favorite sister. Even though she seems shy, she’s actually crazy fun if she’s hanging around people she knows.
• My brother Alex. Also didn’t ask for a shoutout, but nobody does anymore I guess. He is rad. Like, even though we’re pretty different personality wise, I have a blast with him. He’s also going to BYU and once you get to know him, you’ll get what I’m saying.

Over and out

5 Guys Noses and Fries

Well! It’s been another week out here in Norman. Things are good; we’re visiting members trying to find people to talk to, just trying to serve other people. But what else happened this week? These things:

On Tuesday we were biking around, having a grand ol’ time, and then I see Elder Anderson, biking in front of me start to lean over to the right of his bike and fake throw up. So I was confused, but we rolled to a stop, and asked what was wrong, and he once again dry heaves towards the side. “I feel like I’m about to throw up but can’t.” Oh goody. Then of course he’s like, “I’m sure it’ll pass, let’s keep bik– HNNNNLLG” as he proceeds to almost send another one out his mouth. But he doesn’t, and we end up calling a member with a truck to give us a lift back. After we made it home, he goes and spends a good 15 minutes hunched over the toilet, almost heaving those cookies. We ended up having to stay home for a bit, which was sad.

I’ve also been spending my free time during lunch or after hours trying to figure out a 5×5 Rubik’s Cube, and I’ve accidentally solved it like, 3 times, but I never know WHAT I did to solve it. So the struggle bus continues…

Also, when we went to Wendy’s for lunch one day, the girl taking our order was hitting on me. So that was exciting. She gave me a free cookie, so I didn’t complain. 

Oh goody, now we get to talk about Ed. Ed is this random old guy that came up and talked to us for like 20 minutes about his glory days. He told us how his football coach was a total punk, and how he could fight anybody and win, or who could forget the time he broke five noses in a row. He elaborated on that one quite a bit. Oh yeah, he also told us all of his stories with an absurd amount of profanity, and it threw me back to high school and how everyone would talk. Wild times.

So, this week wasn’t too crazy, but it was pretty good. We were stuck in the house because of fake vomit boy, but it’s all good. Life happens.

Well, since last week didn’t send the pictures, I’ll send them this week.

SHOUTOUTS:

• Brittany – She was shouted out before under a different name, which was back when she was a missionary. But she finished her mission and has been demoted back to her real name. She’s an awesome person.
• Sister Jones – She’s serving in IN, and I met her at the MTC. You may also remember her as the “27 sneezes” person. Yeah, her. The living nostril legend. She’s also awesome, and quite funny.

Over and Out

I Love Rubbing Mud on My Face

So we begin our adventure with Elder Anderson as my companion. He’s a pretty cool guy, and quite funny. I still don’t know him super well, but it’ll be a good 6 weeks.

I guess to start, we’ve been focusing on going and visiting the members in our area, helping them come up with their own little plan for how they can do missionary work as members. And when we aren’t doing that, we’re biking around, and knocking on doors.

Let’s hope that this week was more eventful than last week…

Well, one fun thing we got to do when Elder Weese was still here was smash a can into my hand. We learned about this trick where you take a can of whatever, and you place your finger on the counter, and you can slam the can down on it, and it’ll bend the can and not hurt your finger. It actually works, so I suggest everyone reading this bashes cans of baked beans into their fingers.

Well, for starters, transfers were wild. We had to drive up with 2 other missionaries, so we had to cram all of their stuff, along with Elder Weese’s stuff, and us 4 clowns into a single vehicle. Elder Weese and I were crammed in the back, each holding a guitar that the other missionaries had, while massive suitcases were just looming over us, threatening to fall and break our necks at a sudden stop of the car. My kneecaps were going through nuclear fusion in the backseat, while the head of a guitar slowly collapsed my collar bone. It was a fun hour-long drive.

We’ve also been talking to the people that work at our apartment complex, and they’re really cool. They told us about free breakfast for the residents, and then gave us 4 college coupon books. One day, we found out they were having a raffle to give away a Google Home, a $50 Outback Steakhouse gift card, or a bottle of wine. So naturally we entered the raffle for free. We waited at the edge of our seats, eager to hear our room number called, so we could claim our prize. We literally don’t drink wine, and aren’t allowed to use a Google Home, so we were shooting solely for the gift card. If we won the wine, we’d give it to someone else, and if we won the Google Home, I’d make a raffle with all the people on my weekly email and then take a video of me drawing the lucky winner, and sending it their way. Then we didn’t win anything. So that was a FAT letdown.

But that’s all good because it did ultimately give me the idea of the raffle with people on my weekly email, so once I find something to give away, I’ll do it. Actually, we’ll do it this week. I’ll spend my time drawing a picture today, and then everyone on my weekly email will be entered into THE RAFFLE, and I’ll take a video of me drawing the name from whatever object I find, and then they’ll win whatever the monthly prize is.

I can’t afford to do it weekly, but we’ll do it monthly. On whatever week the 18th is, because I came out September 18th. So next weekly email, I’ll have the picture drawn up, and the raffle filled. Then I’ll explain how I’m gonna do the raffles in the video I upload. So get hyped, because I need to up my weekly email game and make my legacy unforgettable.

Now we’re gonna talk about what happened last night. So Elder Anderson, my new companion, was telling me about face masks. Face masks were something I had never done, but something I knew basic white girls did. And that it supposedly “cleaned your pores.” But that was the extent of my knowledge on the subject. But like a susceptible bozo, I was coaxed into doing a face mask. WOW that was a bad time. I learned just exactly HOW MUCH I hated the whole process involved. First off, this guy opens a little jar of what looks like swamp-flavored pudding, and then my nostrils are greeted by the smell of Play Doh. He proceeds to take his grubby little fingers and start to wipe it onto his face like Vietnamese camouflage. But I’ll give anything one shot, so I dip my finger in this literally MUD CONCOCTION and start to rub it on my cheek. OH MY. It was cold. Why was it freaking cold??? WHO KNOWS!! But hoo, after that, I couldn’t just stop there, I had to keep going until my entire face was covered, because that’s just WHAT YOU DO I GUESS. I discovered that I, in fact, HATE rubbing cold pudding on my face. Basic white girls out there: How do you do it? That stuff gets me LIVID. Finally, I finish applying the mad diarrhea-green-colored school glue to my face, and walk out of the bathroom. For people who do face masks and don’t wear glasses, they can proceed onward with their lives. But if you have to wear glasses because you got the BUTT END of the genetic code, and you’ve got Great Value quality vision, it freaking sucks. I stumble around like a blind fool, seeing nothing but shapes and shadows, while this cold sludge is plastered across my face. I spent the 30-minute wait just sitting in my chair, staring at the wall while these other missionaries called us and talked to us. Finally it came time to get this Nickelodeon slime off me. So I just planted my face directly in front of the shower head and cranked that knob like I was Soulja Boy. Finally got it all off, and some went into my mouth, so that was fun, but finally, it was done. Elder Anderson is like, “Don’t your pores feel better now? Wasn’t that worth it?” “NO.” I will probably never do face masks again in my life. If I had to sum the whole thing up in a single word, it would be: UNENJOYABLE.

Well, hopefully this email was a bit better. I’ll talk about the raffle thing more next week, and nobody has to do anything to enter, just be on my weekly and you’ll be included. Thanks for reading this.

SHOUTOUTS:

Melanie – I went to high school with her, and met her in an English class. One of my friends that gets my weekly emails told her about them, and somehow sold the idea of reading letters about my life to her. And she joined just in time for the raffle to be started up. She’s pretty cool.

Over and Out

Betrayal

Well, I got the news about if I’m staying or not, and I am. Elder Weese is leaving to go to a place called Wagoner, which is pretty sad. I’m getting a guy named Elder Anderson.

I don’t know exactly what happened this week, but I’ll check.

Well for starters, we actually got some real SNOW down here, which was awesome! Sadly, it was “so bad” that we couldn’t go out on the roads. So we ended up not getting to do much that day. Recently though, Elder Weese and I have been using the pool table our apartment has at “The Clubhouse.” And through sheer dumb luck, I have managed to send his mind into a carnal rage over a dozen times.

We also did morning sports, where we get together with some other missionary lads and go play sports for our morning exercise time. One game we played with Elder Manning and Elder Tannehill is called “Chair Soccer.” You set up a chair, and if someone kicks the ball into your chair, you’re out. That’s the basic rules of the game, and we were playing with the two of them, having a groovy time. Then, Elder Weese and Elder Tannehill ended up teaming up, as they tried to take out Elder Manning. As they passed it back and forth, trying to get past Elder Manning and hit his chair, Elder Weese did what all foolish white boys do: Trusted Elder Tannehill. Elder Weese passes it to Elder Tannehill, expecting him to shoot and go for the kill on Elder Manning, but instead, Elder Tannehill takes the ball, turns, and starts for Elder Weese’s chair. The entire way there, Elder Weese cries out in anguish, “Wait, wait… What are you DOING!?!? ELDER TANNEHILL!!!! I THOUGHT WE WERE WORKING TOGETHER!!!!!” But nothing could stop him now. Like a tender mother’s kiss, he tapped the soccer ball onto Elder Weese’s chair. It broke Elder Weese. He stood there with no expression on his face as his mind shattered like a glass vase. For about 10 seconds, nothing was said, everyone else chuckling about the whole event while Elder Weese walked the trail of tears towards his chair. After he sat down for a bit, he kept asking Elder Tannehill why he betrayed him like that.

Some brief highlights:

• Went to this really ghetto gas station run by this Aramic guy

• Nearly broke a light with a pool cue

Unfortunately, this week has been pretty slow. Wednesday I’ll be going up and getting Elder Anderson, so you guys will get to hear about him next week. Let’s hope some crazy stuff happens that I can write about next time.

Thanks to those that read these slow emails that are boring, you guys are the real ones. We’ll have more next week.

Over and Out

Wow, Something Actually Happened This Week?

Well gents, last week it appears we were casting our nets on the wrong side of the boat, if you can even understand that level of analogy. Recently, Elder Weese and I have been working with our members in the area to see how we can just help them and meet with them, and we’re getting that to pick up.

So before we begin with this week, I’m gonna bounce back to last week when we were at the trampoline park, because I forgot to include how we were playing dodgeball and this random 8-year-old girl joined in and just slaughtered us. It was wild, rules didn’t apply to her, and we were massacred.

Then that same day, I went to dinner with a Spanish member. Have you ever gotten to sit at a table while literally everyone else is speaking a language you don’t understand? It’s quite the adventure. Through some miracle, I managed to kinda follow the conversation and at least figure out what topics they were talking about, but other than that, I would spend the time focusing really hard as I attempted to translate to English, or I would also just look at whoever was talking, and nod as they were speaking, and then just fake laugh alongside everyone else as I pretended to know what’s going on. They were still really cool, and the elders I was with simply explained to them that I am just a monolingual schmuck, as I sat there like a bimbo.

Then that night when we were all staying at our apartment together for one last hoorah, we were all lying in bed, just talking before we zonked out for the night. The conversation was something weird probably, and I started to shut my eyes. I chilled there, achieving a state of nirvana for a good 6 seconds, until the conversation dropped rather suddenly. I opened my eyes, wondering what could possibly shut 4 fools up so fast. The exact MICROSECOND that I opened my eyes, I see the face of Elder Janke, literally less than an inch away from mine, as my adrenal glands proceed to RUPTURE. I shoved Elder Janke so hard I swear that little nerd caught some air. Of course the other hoodlums laugh at the whole event, as I attempt to gather the shattered pieces of my sanity.

Then later that week (since it wasn’t the last night they stayed with us), I ended up asking Elder Janke to cut my hair, because apparently he had experience doing it. Oh how subtle are the tricks of the mortal man. I’m just kidding, the haircut was weird at first because I have never really had my hair look like it did, but eventually I came to accept the fact that I look like a clown.

Going along with all the moving out stuff, Elder Weese and I went HARD on the Mr. Clean grind, as we whipped our apartment into shape.

Alright, now, a while ago in my email I brought up how I don’t use the forbidden redneck word of “y’all.” But we were eating lunch after a missionary meeting, and literally the consensus of the entire missionary zone was that “y’all” is the best word, and people who say “you guys” are just dumb. Oh my goodness. I almost couldn’t contain my laughter as I realized that I’m surrounded by a bunch of hicks. Holy cow, have you ever been attacked by 13 people, while none of them know it?? It was literally COMEDIC. I’m of course gonna keep saying “you guys” because I don’t stoop to the level of bimbos. I’m kidding, they’re not bimbos and they’re all pretty great.

Brief highlights:

• Thought we were gonna get attacked by a pit bull
• Made some cheesecake
• A guy yelled “CRAP IT’S THE MORMONS!!!” after we knocked on his door, and he walked away

Alright, this next one is the experience of going to Life.Church. Yes, it’s got that random period in there. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned Life.Church before, but it’s literally a concert and a TED talk, with a pinch of Jesus thrown in. We walk into this place, and the first thing I see is the bouncy castle. Woah now, I was expecting a church. Oh ho ho, WRONGO FOOL. This is LIFE DOT FRIGGIN CHURCH!! So we walk past the CONCESSION STAND, and enter the “chapel.” I forgot what it’s called, but we strut our stuff into there and take a seat. On one of the 3 JUMBOTRONS they’ve got the countdown saying “5:13 until service.” Now we sit down and the prelude hymn starts to play: a truly classic church song by the name of “Light ’em up,” by the infamous Fall Out Boy. The bass drum was literally so loud my pants were shaking. I didn’t think my pants could shake, but they freaking did. Then the “pastor” gives his pump-up speech, and some more music played, which all pretty much combined earth-shaking noise while yelling thanks to Jesus. After we left, I was just in post-traumatic shock from the whole thing. It was an experience all right, but it sure wasn’t a church. That was pure jungle law. You can have fun there, but I would call it more of a party than anything else.

Well, hopefully you guys enjoyed this week’s email more than last week’s. I find out this Saturday if I’m leaving or staying in Norman, and honestly I’m good with either way. Thanks to the people who read my emails because I know they’re pretty stupid long. Hope you guys have a great week. Stay frosty.

SHOUTOUTS:

Elder Howells – He’s my friend serving in Idaho, and he requested a shoutout. He’s awesome and quite an exciting fellah. I hadn’t seen him for about 3 years until I ran into him at the MTC, then have been emailing him since. He’s a solid guy.

• Over and Out

What? He actually attached pictures in his email?? Yes he did.

The cheesecake I made after I ran out of space in the muffin tray:

Me in the classic getup:

My haircut (it looks better because of the dark lighting and blurry picture; that’s a photography pro trick):

A picture I drew in my free time:

The lads: