With the Strength of a Fictional God
Here’s the email: the one you’ve all been waiting for. The email that has kept you sitting in front of your screen refreshing your email for hours on end waiting for it to show up. No, wait, it’s just Elder Schroeder, writing about some snooze tale that’ll send you straight to dream central. But that’s ok, because hopefully you can make it through this email, because not as much happened this week.
But yeah we finally finished with the moving, so we’re gonna be living at this apartment now for another 6 weeks. But some other stuff that we did that don’t make for stories, was: Help people move, cleaned the house up, got to listen to some general authorities and they had some way cool talks, got lost because I’m bad at navigation, and found this rad playground that had a circular swing set that you could swing up to the middle and kick people on.
We tried to find more people to teach, and tried to teach the people we found, but actually quite often this week, they weren’t there or had to cancel on us. Fun stuff.
STORY TIME!
We’re just gonna machine-gun these stories out. So cut back to Tuesday night; we just had dinner with this way cool member and we were laughing and having a good time on the way back. He drops us off at the apartment, and starts to leave. Then Elder Marler does a cheek check, and his expression drops. “My phone. I forgot my phone! Elder!! MY PHONE!!!” So he’s regretting his foolish mistakes, as I start trying to catch up to the car as he’s peeling out of the parking lot. He’s gone. So we have no SIM card, and we still need to coordinate a ride to a meeting we have in an hour. So we’re like, double dutch grab a crutch, and we think that the church might have a phone we can use. So we bike rodeo over to the church in the biting cold, and we start scanning the halls for a phone. No avail. But hope shone brightly, because we heard voices in this meeting room, so we awkwardly poke our heads into this meeting and explain that we need to use someone’s phone. They let us and we call the sisters, who agree to come pick us up for the meeting.
Now, as we all know, I am already the fastest person, but even I was unaware that I was tied for strongest man, alongside Elder Marler. We’re having chicken enchiladas at this person’s house, they’re groovy and we’re having a good time, and I’m cutting through the bottom tortilla that is occasionally harder than the rest of the tortilla, so I start to put in some elbow grease, and through the brute power of my bare hands, I shatter the fork I’m using. It was made of plastic, but if it was metal, I’m quite sure the result would’ve been the same. I take the shards of the fork and just kinda set them to the side of my plate. “Can I have another fork please?” I have to ask. There was no humiliation in my voice, for my vessel was filled with pure, unfiltered power, and I had to do all I could to not terrify the mortals at the table. But little did I know, I was not the only one with the might of Zeus, because Elder Marler also ends up breaking his fork, seconds after I acquire a new utensil for myself. Good to know there’s still a challenge out there for someone like me.
Now cut to the night before the mission tour, which is the big meeting where we heard the important people speak. After driving for an hour and a half, we get to the apartment of the Elders we were gonna be staying with. Elder Quick was the only one that we really talked to, and he said he had to go grab something from the other room. So we start looking around and we find these Nerf guns with the revolving barrels you can pop out of the gun to load the bullets. So Elder Marler is talking about how you can put a bullet into the chamber, cock the gun, and then spin the barrel, flip it closed and fire, and it’s like Russian roulette. So we’re having fun with that little hoot, as Elder Quick enters, stage left. So Elder Marler, with the speed of a bolt of lightning, cocks the gun, spins the barrel, whips it closed, aims at Elder Quick and fires. MADMAN MCGEE MARLER SHOOTS HIM DIRECTLY IN THE EYE. 1 in 6 chance to actually shoot the bullet, 1 in 100 to actually make that shot.
Cut past like, 3 days of nothing crazy, and focus back in on Saturday lunch. I’m heating up some pizza in the oven, and I just put it on a plate and toss it in. After I let it get to the ideal temperature, I grab a hot things mitten and I take it out. Now I love me a glass of milk with any given meal, so I get some milk, grab my plate to go sit down at the table to eat, yes, GRAB MY PLATE TO GO SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE. The grabbing of the plate that had just returned from the volcano ritual it participated in seconds ago. As I grab the lava disk, my brain plays the “Hooked on a Feeling” screaming part throughout my hollow skull and I regret underestimating the power of plates. Not a good time. But cut to later in that same lunch: I’m holding these shin coolers I found in the cooler, and Elder Marler begins to make a burger. I see him put LITERALLY every spice and seasoning we have on this burger before he waterfalls it in hot sauce. It sounds like a broken electrical wire with all the sizzling and crackling that’s emanating from that dinky little pan he had. I get up to clean my dishes and as I enter the Danger Zone my nostrils flare up like the trees in Vietnam and my eyes begin to fill with tears. Any burger that can instantly incapacitate 2 of my 5 senses is one I truly fear. But after the initial blast to my respiratory system, I was able to adjust to the harsh environment of that kitchen. Then Elder Marler realized we don’t have hamburger buns so he puts this chunk of beef on a freakin’ bagel. What is this man.
Thanks for reading this, and I hope you guys all have a great rest of your day!
Over and Out
