They Call me Trauma Patient
So I started this email on Monday, and then our internet died at the church because of a MASSIVE wind storm, so President approved saving an hour of our P-day to use another day. Which is today. We have to use the public library and it’s kinda sketchy here. Oh well. I’m only gonna include stuff that happened on the week before, so the stuff that’s been happening on these last two days will be saved for next week’s email. Anyway, here’s the sauce:
Alright fellas, this email isn’t gonna be as action-packed as some of the other ones, but I’ll do my best. Let’s start with the spiritual stuff first. We are teaching a couple different people, and we have two people on date to be baptized, and we’re gonna be asking a third this week. It’s honestly been fun doing missionary work and sharing the gospel with people. But there are highlights to every week, and that’s what we’re gonna talk about now.
Now for those of you that aren’t aware, I’m apparently the fastest man on planet Earth. Because last Monday, when we were leaving the church, we had to turn off the lights, and since everyone here HATES me, they tell me I have to turn off the light alllllllll the way at the end of the hall, so I start to do a little half jog thing, when I hear one of the sisters just utter the word, “Run.” So y’already know that ya boy Elder Schroeder goes from 1st gear into 8th. And I just start SPRINTING. So by the time I’m a little over halfway, I have entered THE SPEEDFORCE, and there is no stopping me from barreling down these halls like Barry Allen. As I’m nearing the end of the hall, I hear voices in a room just near the end. But I can’t stop now, so I just ZIP past the room and turn the light off. Little did I know, Elder Spillman had followed me down, and I saw him as I 180’d after smacking the switch. Now the reason I say I’m the fastest man is because Elder Spillman later told me that the people in the room had called him out for being a “Little boy running down the hall.” Notice, only ONE little boy was getting called out. That’s because I was moving SO FAST that the mortal eye couldn’t even see my image. The only conclusion.
Now some stuff happened in between this first story and the one I’m about to share. However they don’t really make for good stories, so I’m just gonna list off what happened:
- Went to a goat roast and ate some goat
- Mobbed Lawton with 20 missionaries all tracting on different streets
- Got pressured into going to a military training thing
Okay, now that the fluff is outta the way, we move on to the thick of things. The meat. The juicy center. This next story is not for the faint of heart, or weak in mind. On Friday, the sisters asked us if we could come over and help this old lady they were teaching move some stuff around her apartment. So we agree and we all pile in the car and head over there. Once there, the sisters go in and hug her and say hi and all the works, and once they’ve exchanged pleasantries, we elders cruise in. I was foolishly the first one in, and therefore the least prepared. So I go for ‘The Handshake’, a classic move, used to introduce yourself to people you don’t know. However, this was not this lady’s first time traumatizing elders, and it wouldn’t be her last. So she implements ‘The Grapple’, where she grasps my arm, quickly gliding past my open hand and clenching my wrist. Then phase 2 of the Grapple: she pulls me in. I end up getting caught a bit off guard, and I catch myself before I land on her and knock her 6 feet under. But then she hits me with ‘The Rapture’, which is when her frail hands move stupid fast and just apprehend my entire face. When she tries to pull me in this time, I’m ready, halting her plans cold turkey. She keeps trying to pull my head closer, and my mind is still trying to figure out whether she’s going to knight me into the service of Queen Elizabeth’s royal guard, or just take a bite straight out of my neck. The amount of effort she exerted into trying to reel me in probably took 5 years off her life, but I eventually yielded and just accepted my death sentence. Then she of course pulled a classic old lady move, where she just gives me a FAT OL KISS ROIGHT ON MY FOREHEAD. She may have lost 5 years, but I’m pretty sure she just stole 20 from me. I’m guessing that reading through this you figured out that this was her master plan well before the end of the story, but in real time, all this transpired within a span of about 4 seconds, which is why I had so much shock running through my body. So I was still in traumatic horror, as I look at the sisters, who are chuckling at my misfortune like hyenas on laughing gas. The other elders got the same joyride of a time that I did, but they at least had some prep time before getting thrown in the furnace.
You may remember previous emails where I brought up that little girl who kept denying Elder Marler’s gracious offers of gum and cookies. This story is when he finally redeemed himself. In fact, he redeemed himself too well. Lemme explain. We went to the family that was feeding us dinner on Saturday, and we had no clue who they really were, but when we got there, we’re greeted by the whole family, including the Queen of Carnage herself: Little Cindy Lou-Who. I don’t actually remember her name, but it was that little girl. HOWEVER. She remembered us, especially Elder Marler, who she supposedly HATED. But after we hung out with them and talked and stuff, she slowly warmed up to Elder Marler, even to the point of that warming up transforming into BURNING PASSION. We were all gathered around talking and finishing up, when the Princess of Purgatory strolls right up to him, constantly trying to touch him by any means. So Elder Marler is just going full STIFF ARM with a pillow, keeping her at bay, as he’s trying to finish up what he was saying. The time came for us to drop a prayer and dip right outta there. So these next few phrases are WORD FOR WORD accurate. She is still trying to get to Elder Marler, but she says, “Can I tell you a secret?” And Elder Marler is just like, “No we gotta pray.” But she wasn’t going to regard what we had to say from step one, so she just says, in a starstruck fangirl voice, “I love you.” And everyone in the room just kinda heard it, but pretended not to as we said the fastest prayer in history, and made an escape at the speed of a getaway car after a bank heist. Elder Marler was shaken straight to the core, ya know, rattled right to the bones, and has vowed to never have dinner with that family again.
That’s all that really happened this week, and I’ll just include all the stuff that happened Monday through today on next week’s email because I’m running out of time here. Thanks everyone for reading my emails, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t send this sooner.
Over and Out