The Classic Leg Stroke

Buckle up lads and lasses, this week has SUCKED. Nah I’m just kidding, although I don’t think too many ZONKY things happened.

As far as missionary work goes, we’ve been visiting members and knocking doors. And that’s about all we’ve been doing. The members here are really cool and they actually like us. Some people hate us as soon as they see us. But let’s run the list and see what went down.

Well we went up to this place called Lake Thunderbird last Monday with everyone from the zone, so that was fun. We played spikeball and mafia and all those games. It was a pretty good time. We took some pics and relit my love of panoramas, as you will see below.

Anywham, this is a story that just got me all upside down confused. So on Tuesday we were swinging by 7/11, getting some slushies like ya do, and then outta nowhere Elder Weese is just like, “Get back to the car.” And I’m like, “Uhhhhhh, what?” “Just get back to the car.” And he kinda starts walking into me and I end up going with it. So we leave the store, and get back in the car. I’m still confused as to what is happening, but he’s like, “The lady in there trying to get a Slushie literally yelled at us when we knocked her door 5 weeks ago.”

So side note: Elder Weese has a RIDICULOUSLY good memory. Like he’ll say a name, and I’m like, “Who is that?” And he’s just like, “Don’t you remember? They were the person we called last week and they rescheduled dinner from the 8th to the 13th at 5:30.” And I didn’t even remember that those people called, let alone what their name is. So he has a really good memory, and I really don’t. So that’s how he remembered that lady that yelled at him and his past companion. So we just ended up sitting in there for like 5 minutes, hiding in our car like we were scoping this place out. Then we went back in and all was well; the beast had left the den.

Later in the day after the 7/11 scenario, we drove to this place called Duncan. Yes, like the donuts. But we get up there and as all 5 of us are getting out of our car, we see this little playground for the apartment complex, and we see the mother of all rotary entertainment. A merry-go-round. I thought such contraptions were but a fleeting memory because I haven’t seen one since I was a young chap. But of course I make like Nile Rodgers and FREAK OUT. As does my homeboy, Elder Janke. So we just hoo hoo our way over to the cyclone, and we start having fun. Hot WHEELS man! Those things are SO fun! I miss seeing them more. If I ever go to Duncan as my area, I will literally be playing on that merry-go-round as my morning workout every single day. Good times.

Now, one of the days, we got to go to Buffalo Wild Wings with all 5 of us. If you’ve never been there, it’s a place that serves wings, and I personally really like it. But since nobody else in our apartment actually enjoys REAL wings, we went on a Thursday, where you can get a deal on BONELESS wings. Which is shtewpid, because boneless wings are just gourmet chicken nuggets with sauce. But due to Roman law, we end up going on Thursday. And since I am such a thrifty person, I also get the unmanly nuggets, solely for the deal of buy one get one free. But when you get wings or fake wings, you get to choose a sauce to put on them. The hottest is made with ghost peppers, I’m pretty sure. Either way, it’s WAY spicy. And as we know from previous emails, I love to live in constant pain. So I order a little side of the hottest sauce.

Our meal progresses, and I’m dipping just a little bit of the meat bricks into the sauce, and casually sipping my water. Then Elder Janke is like, “You gotta douse that thing in the sauce, what are you doing?” So I take a DOMINANCE CHECK, and like Shaquille O’Neal, I dunk the hunk of flavored bird into the sauce. [Side note, I just fell out of my chair while writing that last sentence] I mix it all together like I know that it’s the best of both worlds, and take the liquid fire and pop the whole thing in my mouth. I eat it and it was spicy, but then Elder Janke wanted to know for himself exactly how hot it was. So he takes one of his wings and slathers it like I did. He tosses that hot boy in his mouth and starts chewing. After swallowing it, he does what all BASIC white people do when they eat hot stuff. He starts breathing through his mouth as he begins the Gallon Challenge with all the water glasses around him.

In between his gulps and breathing, he looks at me and like a perfectly timed movie, a single tear rolls out of his eye. Oh man, it was like the stars aligned for me right there and it just killed me. Silly white people, thinking they can handle hot food.

More fun times when we tracted in the pouring rain, and got to use pity to talk to people. Still literally nobody let us in or wanted to talk to us, but Elder Weese and I were laughing through the whole thing. Having the right attitude is a real thing, kids. After doing that for 2 hours, we were running late for dinner, so we got picked up and had to just go right there. So we end up walking into the house literally soaking wet. My shoes made a nice squishing sound as my soggy socks kept my feet nice and cozy.

On Sunday we went to dinner at a different member’s house and we were saying a prayer over the food. I’m sitting across from the mom, with Elder Weese at my 3 o’clock. The prayer begins and my eyes are closed, head down with arms folded like a good Christian boy, when suddenly there’s a light rubbing sensation going up and down my right leg. Now deducing like Sherlock, there are only 2 options as to who the Heckleberry Finn is STROKING MY LEG DURING A PRAYER, and that is (1) my homeboy Elder Weese, or (2) the MOTHER OF THIS FAMILY. Now, my horrified eyes swing open like the gates of hell, looking for whoever is playing footsie with me while one of the sons is saying the prayer, and I look in terror across the table. The mom is just folding her arms and looking down, so she checks out, THANK GLORY that it wasn’t her doing this act of heresy. But that leaves Elder Weese. I have no idea why he would be playing FOOTSIE with me during a communication with GOD, but I was genuinely rattled about the whole thing.

By the time I was peering over at Elder Weese, my leg was no longer being caressed, and Elder Weese was also praying like a good noodle. So luckily, the prayer ends seconds after my investigation, and I decide to close “The Case of the Appendage Assault” once and for all. So I lift the tablecloth to catch my culprit like a fat kid eating Hot Cheetos: RED HANDED. And I see them. Or it. Because it was just their dog that I didn’t know they had. But let me tell you: When you’re sitting at a dinner table and you think that someone’s mom is playing footsie with you, you achieve the purest response of “Fight or Flight” you ever will. If I had to choose a point in time that I felt true terror, that would be it.

On another note, there were these two dogs walking around the parking lot of our apartment when we got home and of course I’m like, “Hello dogs, how would you like to be petted?” And they just start going wild at me like trees: BARKING. Then one goes to bite me and I’m like, “OKAY, guess we’re walking away now.” And we just strolled outta there.

Wow, hopefully that was a bit more entertaining than last week, and I hope you guys have a wonderful day. Stay frosty.

SHOUTOUTS:

  • My Dad: Even my own FATHER decided to ask for a shoutout on my email. He’s my favorite dad, and a whole bunch of awesome. He loves to play board games, even when I stomp him half the time. He’s really good with computers and a funny guy. He’s way cool and I’m glad he forged me into the legend I have become.
  • Elder Janke: He probably gets more mention in my emails than my own companion, but that’s because he and I are just so similar. Chances are after someone says something, we’re both already on the same page for what our response is going to be.
  • Elder Weese: “Yeah shoutout me, do it” was his response when the question was posed. He’s a bunch of fun and astoundingly good at basketball. He just takes the rest of us missionaries playing and proceeds to MOP THE FLOOR with us. The janitor hasn’t had to clean the gym since he got here. It’s a great time serving with him.