Kissing Satan

So you know the story of David and Goliath? I did that. Well, kinda. I made a sling, and threw golf balls around the apartment, which is more or less what David did. It started with me just finding one of those measuring ribbons in the apartment, and then also finding a golf ball. So of course I do some tests. And sure enough, if you have a golf ball sitting inside a measuring ribbon, being swung around fast enough, it doesn’t fall out! Sometimes. Truly a groundbreaking discovery. I then was able to hone my skills with the measuring ribbon and golf ball to the point that I could launch it pretty dang accurately at stuff. I mostly just threw it at our recliners, because I didn’t want to break anything, and I could hit those bad boys from across the room. Now, the early development of this sling was a little rough because the golf ball would occasionally slip out and fly in some random direction, which gave Elder Horne literal trauma. And I’m pretty sure it still lingers inside him, because even after I had perfected my slinging skills, he still runs into another room when I start winding it up. Oh well.

And then on another day I got attacked by a bird. Hope you’re interested now. So we were walking to get the mail, but it was raining, so we each had an umbrella. On the way back, I see this little bird on the ground, and it looks too young to be able to fly. So I channel my inner Pocahontas, and go up to see if the bird is ai’ight. Well, I must’ve channeled the wrong vibe, because I took one step closer to it, and it went full smoke detector on me. Like, “EEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!” Which was horrific, and reminded me of that scene in “The Incredibles” where the bird is like, “Voice key incorrect” And then it just goes full on fire drill mode, and ruptures your eardrums. But then, there was more screeching coming from above me in the trees, and I feel this object bump into my umbrella, and then fly back into the trees, and I’m like, “Mama bird, you know I can THROW DOWN on a playah, what are you doin??” And mama bird was all, “EEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEE!! EEEEEEEEEE!!” But I just decided to leave ’em be, and we continued walking.

Alright, then this one time, we were eating food with these members, and this kid there is like, “You fellas ever had pure chili extract?” Now, the pure extract of anything gets me interested, so we were like, “No, what is it?” And he goes off to his room, and returns with this sketchy looking package, which he opens up like the devil himself, smoke spilling out onto the table, while some background organ music starts playing in a minor key. But he takes out this vial, and it’s got more warning labels on it than stars in the sky, and he tells us it’s got “No flavor, just pure spice.” And both that statement and the warning labels have already gotten my mind made up as to whether I’m trying this stuff or not. I AM. So he tells us to get a TEENY bit on the end of our fork prongs, and then just pop that sucker in your mouth. So I don’t go too crazy, but I still get a bit on there. It’s got the dark red color of death itself, but we each try it at the same time. It took a few seconds before it hit, but once it hit, it hit hard. It fills your whole mouth, and I made the mistake of licking my lips, so it felt like I had just made out with Satan himself, which didn’t make my life any better. So 15 minutes and 3 water bottles later, it was finally gone, but those 15 minutes were spent with us looking at each other and screaming internally. Elder Horne was sweating like a mad lad, and his eyes were constantly tearing up; meanwhile, my nose was out running a 10k, while I kept licking my lips, trying to rinse the nectar of pure chili off of it. But we got through it. Hot dang. Emphasis on HOT.

Then our 4th of July was us sitting in chairs outside watching people down the road light the sky up, which was pretty sick.

So that was my week in a nutshell, thanks for tuning in. Get hyped for THE RAFFLE next week… I don’t know what it’s gonna be, but it’s gonna be good.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

  • The Founding Fathers: Good job boys, you got this country up and rolling, if you could see it now, you would probably be crying, but that’s ok.
  • Bryce: This guy is the best older brother out there, and he’s a homie. I remember one time when we were on some camping trip for Scouts, we pretty much just scammed the other guy we were playing war with by simply taking his cards that were higher than ours, before he realized that he actually won. What a legend.

Pics:

I didn’t have a red, white and blue tie, so I improvised:

The sling: