Old Women Crave Me

Another week down. Same stuff happening: we call people, study, and have recently been playing Bananagrams. Which is like, every man for himself Scrabble. And my extensive vocabulary is continually expanding at a remarkable rate. Also, we did some fun stuff.

I’m still getting foggy glasses every living moment I wear the face masks we have to, but I’m just embracing it now, so I live in that constant state of blindness.

I believe this story I’m about to unfold before you guys, like some kind of reverse origami, probably gives you a perfect glimpse into what I’m like, fundamentally, as a person. So I’m just doing the dishes, and these two masked men bust through the door. I don’t even flinch. That’s because they were just some other missionaries we knew, but still. They had a letter to give to us, so we take it. Now, backstory before this very moment, we were given these little cartons of chocolate milk from some members, just like the ones from school, but that was WEEKS ago, and when I took a gulp of one that morning, I was SURE that these things were sour, because it nearly TOOK MY LIFE. So cut back to real time, I immediately offer them some chocolate milk for the road. Tell ’em how we got them, and the icing on the cake of carnage I had baked was that the expiration date was still 2 days away. I swear, the stars aligned just so I could pull off this brilliant prank. They thank us, TOTALLY UNAWARE that their taste buds are about to be in for the RIDE OF THEIR LIVES. Oh it was played off perfectly, all I had to do was wait for them to bring about their own self-inflicted armageddon when they took a swig of that chocolatey mess. But as they were walking out to their car, I thought that I should tell them that the milk was nasty. I would’ve loved to see how they managed to not eject out sour milk while in a moving car, but I ended up going out onto our little balcony, and telling them not to drink it. It was so perfectly schemed, and I would’ve loved the payout of my labors, but I couldn’t bring myself to let that happen.

Also, I broke a glass bottle with nothing but my bare hands. I’ll explain this little trick. So, if you take a glass bottle, ANY glass bottle, and you fill it up about halfway with water, you can hold it near the top, and SLAM your hand down onto the open part, and it causes the bottom of the bottle to bust open. Now, not gonna lie, it hurts your hand, and it’s hard to do, but I can guarantee that it actually works. I also gotta give credit where credit is due: Elder Janke, who was on some of my previous emails, had showed me a video of him doing it back when he was here, and that’s how I knew it was at least possible.

Alright, here’s the gem I’ve been saving for last: So these members were bringing us food, and the woman drives up, we meet her outside, she hands us the bag, we say our hellos and goodbyes, and she’s off. So we go back inside and start eating. After about 5 minutes, we get a text from the 65-year-old lady that just gave us food.

“I’m having a strong craving for your lips. Are they busy right now?”

I froze. It was like a speed bump on the railroad that is my train of thought. It felt like a desktop crash window popped up in my head, and I just sat there in trauma. Luckily, she caught herself and followed with an apology, saying that she meant to send that to her husband. But like, SWEET GLORY, she’s literally a HALF CENTURY OLDER THAN ME!! And then just imagining this sweet old lady saying that to us… I didn’t think she will ever want to come in contact with us again. Bless her soul, that was probably the most humiliating moment of her life, and of all the people to send that message to, it had to be THE HOLY MEN that we are. Oh gooooooodness.

But yeah, was a pretty grand week, I’m having a good time out here, even while being trapped inside, and I hope you guys are as well. Until next time.

Over and Out

SHOUTOUTS:

  • Kyra: She’s my sister, and she asked for a shoutout. She rocks! I told her about the Saltine Challenge, which is where you eat 6 saltine crackers in under a minute, and she failed miserably. But she’s super fun, I’m glad she’s so cool.
  • Elder Janke: He opened my eyes to more bottle breaking possibilities, so I’ll give him one too. He’s only got a few weeks left before he finishes his mission– godspeed to him.

Pics:

So I made that twice as cheesy mac and cheese I talked about last week, and it was brutal. It was just pure cheesy flavor, which overwhelmed me.